Memory, all alone in the moonlight...

While I was in Arizona last week I went through a box of old school papers my mom had saved. I only took pictures of about 5 percent of the material, there were so many papers!

Here's a picture of my kindergarten class. 

After reading some of the work from that year, I'm pretty sure I was in a bilingual class. I wish some of the Spanish had stuck!

Aleks thinks I should have been seeing a therapist after seeing this artwork. I don't know, it think it's pretty normal for a elementary school kid. Since my name is in cursive, I'm guessing it's from sometime between 3rd or 5th grade.

Also, roller skating. Apparently it was a big deal as it was a reoccurring theme throughout my writings from that age.

I found a journal I had written from when I was nine. It's pure gold people.

"But cats are cute so I don't know." Hey, I've always been open to learning and exploring different opinions!

"I'm not pretty, does that mean I have to be pretty?" Here we can trace the beginning of my feministic slant.

I found this piece about the '89 earthquake. I was eight at the time.

I found this poem and it's not clear as to whether it's something I wrote. I feel like if I did, I was a child prodigy and should have been published.

Or maybe the assignment was to copy it from a book and I just forgot to cite the author. In which case, I was a childhood plagiarist.

Either way, it's a great poem.

This is from a short fictional story I wrote when I was in middle school. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I found myself impressed at the detail and writing craft. It's a good story. I might loan you a complete copy if you ask nicely.

I'm pretty sure this was printed on a dot matrix printer.

It was surprisingly exciting and invigorating to read through all my old papers. It wasn't painful at all. I thought that I might be sucked into a vortex of self loathing, but really, I was an interesting kid. I'm sure my teachers told stories about some of the things I wrote.

One of my high school students told me about a podcast called "Grownup Read Things They Wrote as Kids." I have yet to check it out, but apparently I'm not the only one who thinks their kid version was pretty funny.

Ruby Ann is 5

My little surprise peanut. Entering the world quietly, but mightily, pulling the oxygen tube out of your nose those first six hours. Already telling us that you were going to do things your way.

Those big eyes captured us from the start.

Though you may appear quiet and unassuming, you are not to be underestimated. Your little head and heart are capable of so many wonderful things. Your capacity for love and cuddles far exceeds anyone else in our little family.

As does your conviction. Your will is unlike anything I have ever encountered and now that you are better at self control, I'm so grateful for it. It will serve you well in your life.

Our world is more fun because of you.

You are a brightly shining light in our lives.

My little curly haired moppet. Whose outside resembles dad, but inside is a lot like mom.

 Happy birthday my love. You are a gift to us all. We're sure glad you were born.

Kitchen updates

Finally! Our kitchen remodel is finished! (ok, that's not fully true. I need to repaint the cabinets, but I'm going to wait a few weeks for that and I wanted to share pictures with you now!)

The entire process took longer than we expected. The tile job ended up taking a week, after which they said it would be done in 2 days. However, it all looks beautiful, so I've already forgotten how annoying it was to have workers in our house for over a week.

Here is the before:

Aleks and I HATED this sink.

Here it is mid-construction. They ended up re-drywalling some of the areas in order to have a smooth surface for the backsplash. I was not expecting to see studs, but it always has to get worse before it gets better, right?

Drum roll please....

Apparently there were supposed to be some seams in the granite piece that includes the sink cutout. Thankfully, the granite guy asked them to cut it without seams, which looks really good, but made the piece extremely heavy. Watching 3 guys walk it into our kitchen was almost as nerve wracking as watching piano movers move a grand piano.

And our new sink and faucet. I'm seriously in love.

Aleks questioned me all along the way. He wasn't sure 2 different granite colors would work. He wasn't sure the faucet should be silver, maybe it should be black to match the sink. He thought the dark blue paint wouldn't look good. Thankfully he knows after 12 years of marriage that he can voice his opinions and then just go along with what I think.

I told the granite people as they were installing that having this updated kitchen makes me want to be a better person.

It's true.

Now, who's coming over for dinner?

Home improvements

As I've mentioned before, I spent a good part of the summer painting our house. The biggest job by far was our living space. My inspiration for the new decor came when my parents bought us a rug for Christmas. I've always like clean, modern lines, and the rug helped set the tone for what I wanted to do. I painted the room the same color that I've been painting the rest of the house: it's a light gray with blue undertones. Another impetus for change was our inheritance of a colleagues' record collection. We needed new shelves to store and display them all, so we bought a few pieces from IKEA that work very nicely. 

Unfortunately I didn't take any before pictures, I rarely do. I'm always too excited to jump in and get to work. I looked through my photo library and found some old pictures that were taken in the room. We have slightly moved the furniture around from time to time, but the feel of it generally stayed the same.

(Oh man. Look how cute and little they were!)

And here is our new living space!

While it looks like the small couch cuts off the space, it actually creates a cozy, warm feeling to the area.

I'm still looking to add decorations and pieces to the mantel and bookshelf. For now, I'm enjoying the cleanness of it all.

And you can see a bit of our new kitchen in the back. I'll be painting the walls and cabinets soon and once that is finished I'll post pictures. (I did take "before" photos of that one.)

Aleks' big home improvement contribution was the construction of a new playset for our backyard. The old one was already here when we moved in and was starting to get old, wobbly, and unsafe. At one of our first trips to the new Costco in town, we saw this playset on display and thought it was pretty cool. And then Nana offered to give it to Ruby for her birthday! The girls play on it all the time, as well as the neighbor kids. It took about a week to build, with Aleks working for 2-3 hours at a time. I must say, his swagger significantly increased when it was completed.

Here's the old set.


And the beautiful new one. The whole thing smelled wonderful the first week it was in our garage; all that cedar!

Now that Aleks has tenure, I've decided to make this house feel like a home. I think we're on our way!

Life after the first day of 1st grade

It turns out that life does go on after seeing your first born get on a bus headed for 1st grade. You go to the gym, dropping off and picking up one child instead of two. You make lunch and drive to work in peace and quiet. You attend some meetings, come home and then, finally, your six year old comes running off the bus, smiling, with an empty lunch box (whew, she ate!) and a full bladder.

It turns out that they do NOT play tug of war with your arms in first grade (Maia's only concern about school) and there is chocolate milk in the cafeteria alongside the regular milk. There are new friends and old friends and work that "wasn't too difficult."

It turns out that the younger sister didn't miss the older one as much as I thought she would. She was in the best of moods, happy that she could get Isabelle out of her crate every time and didn't have to take turns. She came to work with me, excited to meet a new baby sitter who knew about Rainbow Loom. Our car rides were void of chatter. So much so, that it made me think that I should make an effort to converse with my kid.

Hey Ruby, what are you thinking about?

What?

What are you thinking about?

What?!

(Maybe she can't hear me. I speak very slowly and clearly) What (pause) are you (pause) thinking about?

Thinking about what?!

What are you thinking about in your head?

Nothing!

...

Silence is nice too.

I'm not really one of those people who dwells on the past or gets too sentimental about memories. Living with babies was not my favorite. And taking care of babies is demanding and terrible. I didn't hate it, but as they get older everything becomes more fun and interesting. I find myself confused when I get a tight throat with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes over experiencing my first child be at school all day.

However, I suppose those early years of wiping butts, exhaustion, and non-stop care act as the strongest bonding agent imaginable to man. I mean, I kept something alive for 6 years, and she's actually flourishing! And now I have to entrust a good part of her development to someone I don't yet know.

That's a lot to ask of a parent. I can either let worry overtake and debilitate me, or I can take a deep breath, allow a few tears to roll down my cheeks and choose to trust that it will all work out. I've spent the last two weeks reminding myself that most children go to first grade all day and generally everyone survives.

Kids aren't ripped apart by tug of war. One carton of chocolate milk every school day won't be the end of the nutritional world. (But seriously, what the what?! Don't we have an obesity problem in America? Why don't they just offer milk or water?) And I'll learn to let go bit by bit. At the heart of the matter, it's not really about my child is it? It's about me and my desire for control over this messy thing we call life.

So the best I can do, from now until forever, is to send my child off with a hug and a reminder to be loving and kind. And let myself have a cry when I need it, trusting that they'll come running home, whole and happy.

Balance

For the better part of this summer, I've felt off balance. There's been the unending struggle of needing to rest and be rejuvenated, while dealing with periods of intense work. I think, I just might have bit off more than I could chew.

For one thing, there's this never-ending paint project. I've managed to paint 3 bedrooms and a major living space this summer, which is quite a lot, but there's still so much to finish. And what is it about freshly painted walls? It's like they suddenly become magnets to my children's limbs. I had no idea how often they put their feet on the walls. Their feet! And is it really necessary to drag both hands along the wall while they walk down the hall? I've taken to staring intently at certain spots in each room. Is that a shadow or a new smudge?

Obviously, out of balance.

I love what I do, professionally. One of the challenges is the constant opportunity-making that is inevitable to moving forward. This summer has been a season of planning and waiting. I'm very good at planning, but waiting has always been difficult for me. I've had to remind myself to take care of the things that I can control and to let go of the rest. It's a challenge for me to keep uncertainty from twisting itself into a tight coil in the center of my gut causing my heart to beat hard and fast in my chest.

Can you imagine what a mess I'd be if I didn't have a family to distract me from myself?

Thankfully I have two small, adorable monsters clambering for my attention the moment they wake up. This summer has marked a change in the household in that we are now a family with school age children. I think one of the biggest changes when your children have been going to school and are now home for the summer is that they want to eat all the time. We played the "mom can I have a snack?" game for about a week until I laid down the law: breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. I adore my children and love being around them and I also like my house to be neat and I like to drink a cup of coffee before having to speak to anyone in the morning.

It's all about balance. Ha!

Perhaps the thing that has most greatly affected my inner peace is the total chaos that has been our house. Part of it is a result from my insane drive to get all the painting done this summer. And redoing the upholstery on the bottom of all our couches since a certain little puppy chewed them up last summer hasn't helped either. Part of the chaos came when our upstairs AC was broken for the month of July and was basically off limits. In exciting, and related news, Aleks and I have decided to put granite countertops and a new backsplash in our kitchen. So, the chaos will continue for a few weeks more, but I've got my eye on the prize. The end is near.

Right around the corner is the start of school. I've always felt giddy anticipation about the first day of school. The year stretches ahead of us with sweaters and pumpkins edging closer every day. With school comes routine and structure, something my household thrives upon. Sure we're going to be busy again, but we've been busy all summer too. It'll just be a different busy. A busy I'm ready to welcome with open arms.

The start of school marks a new beginning, a fresh start. Maybe that's the real reason I'm always excited about school starting. It's a time to renew the oaths and truths I've let fall by the wayside while being distracted by the busyness of life.

However frustrating these periods of imbalance feel, I'm grateful for them. It is in these times that I grow patience, humor, endurance, and am enabled to experience the peace that will inevitably follow.

And maybe an uninterrupted cup of coffee?

When it rains, it pours

As I wrote in my last post, we had an AMAZING time in California. Regardless of how wonderful a time one has on a vacation, a person is always excited to go home and sleep in their own bed. There was no exception for Aleks and I as we drive home from the new Eisenhower Airport on Saturday evening, with visions of our king size bed dancing before our eyes.

We arrived home without incident, found our home and dog well taken care of by a student of mine, and climbed the stairs to get ready for bed. As we ascended the stairs, the heat hit us like a boiling hot, wet sock.

Our air conditioning was broken.

The unit that services our upstairs is an older unit and has given us problems for the last three years. To make a long, boring story short, our home warranty is replacing our condenser which will hopefully fix the problem for good.

The bad news? We're without AC until Tuesday at the earliest. That's over a week of 90+ degree temps in our bedrooms.

Thankfully, we have a place to sleep (that's not our house) that is cool. So, we pack an over night bag each night and head to my mother in law's house to sleep in the blissful, cool air.

Meanwhile, Aleks is gone for a week to an artists' colony and I've decided to move ahead with my painting project. I was going to paint the upstairs hallway next, which would complete the entire top floor, but since it's hotter than hell up there, I'm doing the family room instead. Which is actually not great timing, considering that the top floor is off limits, and now the main floor is a disaster, so the areas suitable for playing have been reduced by 2/3. Thankfully, the girls have adapted rather well.

This morning it took me 4 hours to prime the entire room. I'm hoping tomorrow the color will go more quickly.

I keep telling myself the chaos now will be worth it when it's all done. It really is going to look good.

So, that's what we've been dealing with since coming home. I just keep the memory of the cool, crisp San Francisco air close at hand.

Stay cool, my friends.