Cold Sassy Tree

I'm one week post-Cold Sassy Tree. I've been falling asleep extremely early and slowly catching up on getting the household together.

When I agreed to help out and sing this role, I had no idea how much I would fall in love with Love Simpson. Furthermore, the music just happened to fit my voice like a glove. If I could travel around the country and sing this role for the next 20 years, I would jump at the chance.

That being said, here are a couple of things I am not going to miss:

1. pin curls- they take forever to do and my hair is cray cray when the bobby pins come out.

2. Corsets and elaborate costumes- by far the most stressful part of this production was remembering all my accessories and costume pieces.

And here are some of the things I loved:

Love Simpson and her new daughters.

"Rented rooms in boarding houses..."

"Come on Grandma and sit by me!"

"Loma dear...he's deeded it all to me!"

"Clayton! Take your hands off me!"

"And then, and then he ravished me!"

"to me you're the most fair of face..."

"It's lovely, just lovely!"

"No!" (A high C, exquisitely timed, quite possibly one of my favorite moments)

"Old Rucker Lattimore has gone to his grave, but we're still glad to be alive!"

 Like I said on Facebook, it's been a wild, beautiful ride. I'm grateful for the experience and for all I've learned through this process. It will always hold a special place in my heart. Now, onward and upward!

Grateful

Earlier this week Ruby was completely exhausted and as a result turned into a belligerent terror. Rather than succumbing to a nap she decided to fight it with her whole being, thrashing her tiny body all over the bed while screaming and yelling. It looked so absolutely ridiculous, that I began to giggle. She looked at me and started to get offended, but on the scale of outrage expression, there was nowhere for her to escalate. Instead, as if a switch was flipped, she stopped screaming, scooted close to me and settled in for a nap.

As we lay there on her bed, in a quiet house, I could hear snow dripping from the roof softly and steadily. The sun was streaming though the windows creating a patch of warmth on the floor. Both Ruby and I were restored in that moment.

I've always wanted to be a mom. At an early age I felt my destiny would be fulfilled when I had children of my own. Just barely an adult, I got married three months after college graduation. Had it not been for my level headed husband, I would have started popping out kids in the middle of grad school. Instead, we waited 5 years until we had 2 masters, a doctorate, and an artist diploma between us.

While I unfailingly felt certain about my personal and familial path, there has always been fuzziness surrounding my career. I haven't ever experienced an audition season: flying to a major US city to sing for opera companies, young artist programs, and summer institutes. I didn't get a doctorate, which keeps me from being eligible to apply for 90% of tenure track university jobs. 

So, here I am (living in Kansas!) with 3 degrees in music, a husband (his career is taking off by the way), 2 children (whom I adore), and a fledgling career whose path I'm making up along the way.

On bad days, I am full of despair. There seems to be no advancement, unless I'm willing to spend the money and time to audition and/or go back to school for my doctorate. While these are a possibility, I'm not sure I want to ask my family to make the sacrifices those actions would require.

On good days I feel as if I have the best of both worlds. I occasionally get paid to sing, I teach dedicated, serious music students at a university with world renowned opera singers as colleagues, I volunteer at my kids' schools, and I even sometimes have a chance to sew or read or paint the walls in my house. 

The older I get, the easier it is to appreciate what I have, rather than feel bad about what I haven't accomplished.

Moments of stillness and quietude are few and far between this spring. My work load has increased significantly as I am stepping in to sing in WSU's production of Cold Sassy Tree. The role I'm singing is quite large and the score is extremely difficult. It would be so easy for me to feel constantly overwhelmed. There is no room in my life for things like a broken washing machine and unexpected doctor's appointments, much less tantrums over how a pair of socks "doesn't feel right."

But the thing that makes life difficult right now (all the rehearsals and time spent learning this *almost* impossible score) is such a luxury. It's been a long time since I've been able to allow myself this much time to work consistently on a project. And further, I don't have to be in charge!

I'm getting to be a student again, but with better vocal technique, more wisdom, and some life experience behind me. 

I have lots to say about learning a contemporary score and about growing as a performer and actor as a faculty member among students and how my family has been impacted by all this, but maybe I'll talk about those things in another post.

Mostly, I just want to say what an overwhelming sense of gratitude I have felt in the past few weeks. It has turned out that this role fits my voice like a glove. I'm very grateful about this, since I never truly know how a role will feel until I've sung it for a while. The students are kind and generous with me and so much fun. How thankful I am to be surrounded by interesting young people in my work environment. My mother in law is able to be here for two months to help take care of the kids and pick up the slack caused by my added work load. There will never be enough words to express what a gift that is to us.

I've always tried to hold things with an open hand, but this one is hard. I want to close my fist and hold on tightly. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to sing a role like this again and that knowledge makes this experience all the more sweet.

I'm sure as we get closer to curtain (April 9-12) I'll be posting lots of pictures on Instagram and updates on Facebook. Feel free to follow along with me if you're interested! In the meantime, if you're local and want to hear me sing something a little more melodious, I'll be singing as the guest vocalist with The Priests as their tour takes them through Wichita. (click here for a link to buy tickets.)

*In case you were wondering, our washing machine got fixed after a week of being out of commission. We were all on our last pairs of underwear. I finally went in to immediate care to get some antibiotics because I was too busy to see my doctor during regular office hours. Ruby got some new socks (see first sentence about the broken washing machine) and has ceased complaining about how they feel. Life is good. Complicated, but good.

This post is as long as my week was.

Want to know what 3 gigs in 7 days looks like?

Those bags are well earned, my friends.

{To those of you reading who might be in a position to hire me to sing with your choir/symphony/opera company/etc. please know that despite some of the insecurities I address in this post, I am an extremely competent, highly musical, talented, hardworking, and smart performer.

You should totally call to book me today before my calendar gets full.}

WEDNESDAY:

The Priests gig was the first event during my crazy week. It came right in the middle of production week for Amahl.

I wrote an account of the event as the rehearsal was happening and you can read it again here.

In retrospect, this turned out to be a really wonderful gig.

The Orpheum is a beautiful theater, over 100 years old, and there's something about singing in a beautiful space that just makes it all more exciting.

The priests were not the most amazing singers I have ever heard, but they were quite good, extremely musical, and gave a wonderful show.

The tour manager was a bit intense, but I'm pretty good at flying under the radar.

There was a lot of sitting around involved. I sang for 20 minutes in the 3 hour rehearsal, spending the time I wasn't singing sitting in the house and writing a blog post.

Then in the evening I sat off stage right and watched the show, holding my music loosely in my lap, occasionally reviewing the words.

I ended up singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," "O mio, babbino caro," "She walked through the fair" (a folk song), and "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again."

The band was made up of a string quartet, keyboard, and piano.

And when I was done, I promptly went home and had a piece of pizza.

THURSDAY:

Sitzprobe, then dress rehearsal for Amahl.

FRIDAY:

My biggest teaching day, voice lessons starting at 8 and ending at 5:30. 

One of the accompanists that day told me she had seen me in the newspaper and brought her copy to me.

Thankfully I had the night off and tried to get to bed early.

SATURDAY:

Musical theater juries in the morning and 2 shows of Amahl and the Night Visitors.

It's hard to figure out what to say about this gig.

As a young(ish) professional, it's hard to find opera gigs. Companies all over the country are folding and those that do have money, don't hire many singers who are up and coming. And as a mom to young children, I'm not willing to take the time to travel all over the nation to take auditions.

With all that in mind, when an opportunity comes along to sing a role in an opera, I jump at the chance.

After spending some time with this opera now and having it live in my body, I have come to the conclusion that my voice isn't well suited to this role.

I began to become aware of this at the beginning of production week, and as the week progressed and my realization was confirmed, I got more discouraged and insecure with each run-through and performance.

As a performer, I always strive to be consistent in what I do. I pride myself on my musicianship and the fact that conductors and fellow actors know what to expect from me.

In the dress rehearsal and Saturday's matinee, I made some stupid mistakes, and it was hard for me to recover emotionally. 

I was really, really hard on myself.

I just wasn't as focused as I needed to be with the circumstances surrounding this production.

The experience as a whole had moments of frustration, but I did meet some really wonderful people, and the opera, itself is a masterpiece.

SUNDAY:

This was the Sunday that my church gig had their service that showcases the big Christmas music selections. There was an 8:30 call and then I sang 2 services with full orchestra.

It was a big sing that left my voice extremely fatigued.

MONDAY:

I had my first and only rehearsal with the WSO.

I have known about this gig the longest, having been contracted over the summer.

I received the music in October.

I promptly began work on "Rejoice, greatly." It's one of those arias that I've always stayed away from because it scares me to death. It's a hard little sucker. So, I got to work on it early.

The other two pop tunes were just lead sheets. (Meaning just a melody, without any accompaniment written in.) The Priests sent the same format.

Which is fine. Except that, when learning music from a lead sheet, one has no idea what the accompaniment sounds like. Which is difficult for a singer, because we have to produce notes out of thin air. We don't get to push down a button or string to find our note. Which means, if a singer doesn't have perfect pitch (which this singer doesn't) knowing how the vocal line fits in the with accompaniment is essential.

The WSO is legit. Along with my music, I also got a parking pass for the basement (and I rode up in a freight elevator which is super legit and also strangely terrifying). Upon my arrival I was whisked to my dressing room and left there to wait.

So the rehearsal schedule was tight and there are only about 10 minutes allotted for each piece.

We started my selections with "Santa Baby" and as I ended the first verse and began the second, it became apparent that something was wrong.

The conductor stops the song, turns to me and says, "so you're singing here and we've got an interlude."

After trying to stifle my panic, bending over his score and my lead sheet, we realized that I have a different arrangement.

So, we run it again, going over the allotted time, and I think I know what to expect.

The rest of the rehearsal is uneventful, but I did not feel as comfortable as I would have liked.

TUESDAY:

I woke up exhausted and started my day with juries. Thankfully it was just 4 hours of listening to music education majors.

Our nanny comes on Tuesday afternoons and so I took advantage by trying to take a nap. Unfortunately I couldn't fall asleep, but I did catch half an episode of Bethenny (meh).

Aleks' dad came into town for the week and I was able to see him before I headed over to Century II to get dressed and put my makeup on.

I totally forgot my blush at home, but thankfully I haven't washed my brushes in ages and there was enough residue to do the job. 

The doors opened at 6:30 and the people started pouring in.

There's a tuba choir that plays beforehand and this year CBS Sunday Morning sent a camera crew to do a story. It airs Dec. 22, so check it out and just maybe there might be a clip of me singing.

The convention center holds about 4,000 and so a mic was essential.

And thankfully everything went fine.

There was lots of waiting around again, and I kept reminding myself of how many measures rest I needed to count.

Of course when I got out there I promptly lost count, but it all worked out in the end.

Can you believe they let this guy conduct?!

A professional photographer was there and the following photos are his.

This is one of my favorites.

I was so pleasantly surprised to see what I look like while I'm performing.

Honestly, the inside of my head looks nothing like what my face is projecting.

There's lots of "what beat was that?" "take a deep breath… manage that air" "put the emphasis on -joice" "keep it forward" "don't step on my dress" "that light is so bright" "oh, that baby just started crying""look at Mark for the cue" "is it here? wait, here."

-----------------------------------------

I've learned some important things that can only be gained from experience.

1. There are different kinds of nerves. I was sick for 2 days before the Priests gig, but once I had the rehearsal, I was fine. On the other hand, right before the curtain for Amahl opened, I experienced the heart pounding, can't catch a breath kind of nerves.

2. I get very manic as I head to each gig. God bless my husband who has learned to take it all in stride and ignore the crazy.

3. After the mania passes I get very quiet (physically and mentally). Almost to the point where I could fall asleep if I closed my eyes. It's as if my body knows that I need to conserve all its energy for whatever might happen in the event ahead.

4. As a performer working with minimal rehearsals, it's essential to be sure everything I can control is as prepared as possible so that I can handle whatever happens on stage. I have to be aware of the big picture and how my part fits in, but also concerned with the details. I have to be flexible and smart and quick on my feet and there is absolutely no room for ego.

I am so grateful for all the performing opportunities I've had this past week.

To work as much as I did in 7 days is the stuff dreams are made of and I will never take opportunities like this for granted.

TGIF

Lately my parenting hasn't been amazing.

I've noticed it in the way the girls are talking to each other.

Episodes of explosive yelling.

Grabbing of toys.

I haven't been terribly patient with them this past week.

I haven't made the choice to try and be creative in diverting their attention from bad behavior.

And I've probably spoken to them more harshly than they deserve.

I've got excuses.

Maia's been waking up consistently in the pre-dawn hours.

3:30, 5:00.

She starts talking and singing, which in turn wakes Ruby up.

Then Ruby starts yelling/crying "Mommy! Cuddle!"

There's a lot going on with work and keeping the house going and all the other things that crowd into life.

But.

Most of the things that are a challenge aren't necessarily going to get easier.

As a parent, I'm constantly faced with the choice between doing what I want and serving my children.

Being married certainly requires selfless behavior.

But there's something about having a little person(s) who is dependent on you for EVERYTHING that really stretches my capacity for selflessness.

Thankfully kids are quick to grant forgiveness when asked.

In the midst of our exhaustion this week, there have been some really cool things going on.

Wichita State is currently hosting Samuel Ramey as a Distinguished Guest Artist in Residence.

Don't know who that is?

Don't feel bad, he's just a famous opera star.

And apparently our school can bring him in for the next 5 years, but adequate lighting is next to impossible...

Maia is learning to use scissors at school.

Practicing this new skill keeps her quietly occupied for at least 10 minutes.

Have I mentioned that I love preschool?

Little Ruby's personality has been busting out lately.

Here, she was blowing on her cereal.

"Oh man!"

I ran 10 miles on Sunday.

I didn't think I could do it, but I did.

I'm supposed to do 12 this weekend.

Even with that looming over my head, I'm glad it's Friday!

Have a fantastic weekend y'all.

Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've blogged and a lot has happened in the last month. My trip to CT went really well. I could not have done it without the help of my parents and Aleks' mom, they were invaluable and Maia loved seeing all her family.

Here are some pictures from my time in CT

Flowers from Aleks for my birthday, they lasted the entire time I was in CT!

The composer of Tom Sawyer, Phillip Martin

Some rehearsal pictures:

Becky (Katie Yeager) and Tom (Tracey Bloser)

Our conductor, Joseph Hodge and rehearsal pianist, Stephen Scarlato

Becky and Susy Harper getting excited about the picnic

Huck Finn (Rachel Bianco) and Tom in the haunted house

The show went really well. The audiences loved the production and plans are being made to continue making Hartford Opera Theater a permanent company.

And what blog would be complete without pictures of Maia?

Her first pigtails

And a naked girl just out of the bath!

The other big news is that Aleks and I bought a house here in Pullman. We closed on April 28 and have already started painting. We are going to have hardwood and tile installed this month and hope to move in completely by the end of May. I promise that my next post will include pictures of the house.

We will be finding out the sex of our baby on May 12. I have a belly now and will post pictures of it next time as well.