Holiday musings

It's a season of anticipation. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, the last day of Advent. The shopping and decorating and wrapping and baking and waiting will finally come to an end.

My household is currently anticipating a passing of the marble Ruby swallowed yesterday.

I came home from the gym to a somber and anxious husband and a surprisingly quiet youngest daughter. Ruby and Maia had been playing upstairs, when Ruby came down and told Aleks that she had swallowed a marble. It was stuck in her throat, but she could breathe. Aleks tried to give her the Heimlich, but by then it had made its way down her esophagus into her stomach. It was very traumatic for everyone, but by the time I got home, the scary part was over. When I asked Ruby why she did that, her answer was that she wanted to see what it would be like to eat a marble. "But I didn't chew it," she was quick to tell me.

So as I said, we're currently awaiting the passing of said marble, amidst a few stomach pangs. I'm convinced all the hype over Christmas has affected the impulsivity of my children, which has caused Aleks and I to revisit the intensity of our active parenting.

There's something about the twinkly lights, Bing Crosby's Christmas Song, and the schedule-induced fatigue that makes me more reflective than usual. There's also the conclusion of the calendar year and the promise of new beginnings on the horizon.

The other day I was driving home from seeing Aleks at work and had made a quick stop at a local bakery to pick up bread for dinner. My kids were at school surrounded by friends, both in classes with teachers who are nurturing and kind. I had just exchanged texts with a friend about our weekly tap class and was heading to a workout at my CrossFit gym. Later that day I would teach an afternoon of lessons. Suddenly a feeling of peace washed over me. In that moment, I truly did not hate Wichita.

Six months ago I was a different person: sad, discouraged, empty. It turns out that quitting my job was perhaps the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself. Since then, I've been on a journey to discover what fills me as a person. I've found there are things I enjoy outside of my work and have discovered that I have an identity beyond my career, children, and husband. I've had to really think about what kind of artist I want to be and have adjusted my approach to interpersonal relationships. As a result, my marriage is back on track, I am present for my children, I am able to enjoy making music, among so many other things.

As usual, this year has been full and busy for our family. Highlights include:

We had a pergola installed over our deck, did a kitchen update, and finished painting about 60% of our home's interior.

I almost died.

A three week trip to CA and UT to visit both sides of our families.

I visited Washington DC for the first time.

I quit my job.

Ruby started all day kindergarten.

I co-founded a non-profit arts organization called Music On Site.

Aleks and I took a trip to NYC for a premier of a new piano piece he wrote.

It's been a challenging year for many people around the world, but also for our little family. I am eternally grateful to be partnered with a human who is willing to be uncomfortable and allow that discomfort to be an impetus for change. To be so completely supported in all my imperfection is something I will never take for granted.

From our little corner of this globe, we wish you and yours a happy, healthy, and joyful holiday season. And I'll leave you with this inspirational quote from my daughter Maia.

(Yeah, I went there. I apparently have the humor of a 12 year old boy.)

Life after grad school

Lately I've been thinking about the things I’ve learned since finishing grad school.

Everything my teachers told me is simultaneously irrelevant and completely applicable. Of course in reality, things aren’t really that black and white. However, often professors have certain opinions about your personality and repertoire and your look and you end up getting put into a box based on a few subjective opinions. Once we get into the real world, that box is stripped away and it’s up to you to figure out what you want to sing and what you sound good singing. When you’re in school, it’s so easy to believe there is only one path to a successful career and I think a lot of professors do their students a disservice by feeding into that mentality. With my own students, I consciously work to acknowledge the subjectivity of everything. Now, what your teachers tell you about breathing and vowels and warming up, etc.? That stuff is golden. Hold on to that.

School stress doesn’t ever go away, it just takes on a new form. Yesterday I was hired to sing an early afternoon program for a social club here in town. In the morning I went to volunteer in my daughter’s kindergarten class like I do each week. When that was over (and I was again reminded how teachers are angels who work on earth) I came home to warm up and get dressed. After the recital I got home just in time to get my kids off the bus. I then taught 3 lessons, after which I made dinner and dealt with all the chores that come with having school-aged kids. I look back fondly on my grad school days and think how “easy” things were. I could have a leisurely workout on the day of a performance and a long, slow warm-up. School is such a great place to make the mistakes that help you grow into a mature artist and colleague with minimal consequences. Once you’re out of school, missed appointments or skipping a day of work doesn’t just result in a bad grade, they either have to be made up or ultimately end up costing you money.

Just showing up and doing the thing is 80%. It’s amazing to see how many adults (myself included) get sucked into the day-to-day drudgery of chores and work. Once you’re out of school, bills still have to be paid and for most of us, our art doesn’t become a primary source of income right away. Once you start “adulting” it becomes increasingly difficult to record and release the cd, or do the recital, or send out the applications/auditions for gigs. I keep telling myself, just do it. Don’t get caught up in perfection: getting it out there is more than half the battle.

Know your audiences. I love to sing recitals. Outside of academia, a classical voice recital is a hard sell. When you’re a student, you have a built-in audience; your classmates and professors have to come. When you’re a professor it’s the same deal: your students and colleagues will attend. This fall has marked my first experience not being affiliated with a university and it has been a wonderful learning experience. Eight years ago I finished my terminal degree and I am so grateful to be in a position where I am being paid to sing recitals. However, the groups who are hiring me are not academic types and some are not even specifically classical music lovers. Through trial and error and lots of thought, I’ve started to understand what makes a successful recital for my audiences here in Wichita. What we sing and study in school doesn’t necessarily translate to what the paying public wants to hear.

You should know how to program a concert/recital and make good photocopies. Once you’ve graduated and are out there performing, you need to have resources to help with recital programming. Things to think about are your audience, your own vocal endurance, variety, and space. Once you’ve programmed the concert, you need to know how to format a program in the event you are required to provide one. Logically thinking, it becomes important to know how to use your printer or establish a relationship with a copy center. Do research on cost and how to make the programs look good without using color copies (those are expensive!). You don’t want to eat too far into your profit.

Find a pianist whom you can trust and is a good collaborator. When you’re in school, often your pianist works at your school or other students at the school full time. If you stay in the area after graduation, chances are your accompanist will be willing to continue a working relationship, for pay of course. However, if you end up moving finding someone who plays well is important, but finding a trustworthy pianist who knows how to communicate is invaluable.

Get to know yourself. The older I get, the more I start to understand what makes me tick. Knowing what I enjoy, how I deal with conflict, and what energizes me are all things that help me in my personal life, but more importantly, make me a better performer, teacher, and colleague. It’s also really important to find something that you enjoy outside of music.

I'm sure there are countless other things I've learned, but the next thing on my to-do list is calling me!

It's only Dec. 5

Is anyone else feeling the December/Holiday pinch? My jaw is sore from clenching it throughout the day and my neck is chronically tight. It's amazing how all the little things add up so quickly. Here are 3 memes that describe my life right now.

6 Recitals/Concerts in the next 2 1/2 weeks.

Also, why oh why did I get that Elf on a Shelf?

I promise you we'll all make it to January. In the meantime, I'll be over here doing deep breathing exercises and trying not to eat all the chocolate.