Rebirth

I did a couple of things this past year that were firsts for me.
One was getting fitted for a bra. Ladies, this is life changing. Do it.
Another was going to a therapist. Apparently everyone is doing it already and I'm just late to join the party. I'm not sure I found "the one," but it was helpful. And resulted in the third thing.
I quit a job because I was unhappy.

For the past year I've been struggling. I've been fatigued and unhappy because of work. It's affected my personal life and I've cried more this past year than I have in a long time.

Today looking back, I can see that last semester I was looking to my students for a reason to stay. I love my students. Even when they disappoint me I still find them to be interesting and talented and funny and inspiring. But it's not always enough.

The whole thing is complex and messy, involving for starters; being an adjunct, living in Kansas, and my particular line of work. All of which I'm still sorting through and analyzing and not ready to put into writing just yet. What I am willing to name as another contributing factor is the horrifically low pay. If I was being fairly compensated for the work I do, I may have been able to stick around a bit longer. At least it would have helped me to temporarily feel valued.

This semester, several factors, including the entire cluster*ck that is Kansas, have made it very clear that there is no full time potential for me at this current job. It has also become clear that I am no longer willing to continue with the way things are.

It has been an agonizing decision process. One that has taken months. I've sought advice from many people; another new thing for me. Being a first child and all, I'm used to just figuring things out on my own. However, in this case I wanted to be very sure that I was making a logical, rational decision based on facts, not emotion.

Two things in the past week helped me to make my decision. One was a conversation with my mom in which she said "Emily, you can do anything! You started an opera company!" To which I replied, "Ugh, I don't have energy for that kind of thing." To which she replied, "Exactly."

The lightbulb went off. Why am I drowning in a job that is unfulfilling?

I'd walk through the doors at work, dreading the day ahead, feet dragging and my spirits low. Then I'd start teaching and more often than not, there would be moments throughout the day that would leave me satisfied and energized. I felt so conflicted. If I had found my vocation, shouldn't things be easier? Maybe I'd wasted the past 9 years of my life and should pursue a different career.

When I brought this up with the therapist, he said that life is messy and when we've found what we're supposed to do, it's the work that is easy. But, because life is hard, sometimes the circumstances surrounding the work make things unbearable.

Another lightbulb went off. I can find another way to do what I'm supposed to do.

I finally felt like I had permission to quit. Quitting my job did not mean that I was also giving up all the work I've done and progress I've made as a teacher over the last decade.

All I know is academia. All my husband knows is academia. What I'm starting to see, is that there can be other paths to a successful teaching and performing career outside a university setting. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like yet, but I'm excited to figure it out.

I don't have anything new lined up, which is a little unsettling. But what I do have is a renewed sense of purpose and hope and possibility.

About a month ago I had a dream that my family and I were moving to a new house. We were concerned about the size of the new house and if all of our furniture could fit. From the outside the new house seemed small and unsuitable. As we walked through each room, I felt cozy, but a bit cramped. However, we kept turning corners and walking through doorways and came upon room after room. While many of them were small, they had character and good bones. Some of them were falling apart and needed work, but it quickly became clear that it could be made into our dream house. I found myself becoming excited at the prospect that I could make this house look exactly the way I wanted and was eager to get to work.

The next morning the dream came back to me in a flash as I made coffee. The house in my dream was my career. The possibility of creating something to look exactly as I want it overshadowed the uncertainty of the unknown.

By the end of this last week, I had told all the people who will be directly affected by my quitting. Telling my beloved students was just as terrible as I had anticipated. Thankfully they are all gracious, loving people who just want me to be happy. 

The next day, the first day of my 35th year, I woke up feeling hopeful and happy and light for the first time in a long time.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I'm in a place to say yes to whatever might come my way.