Grateful

Earlier this week Ruby was completely exhausted and as a result turned into a belligerent terror. Rather than succumbing to a nap she decided to fight it with her whole being, thrashing her tiny body all over the bed while screaming and yelling. It looked so absolutely ridiculous, that I began to giggle. She looked at me and started to get offended, but on the scale of outrage expression, there was nowhere for her to escalate. Instead, as if a switch was flipped, she stopped screaming, scooted close to me and settled in for a nap.

As we lay there on her bed, in a quiet house, I could hear snow dripping from the roof softly and steadily. The sun was streaming though the windows creating a patch of warmth on the floor. Both Ruby and I were restored in that moment.

I've always wanted to be a mom. At an early age I felt my destiny would be fulfilled when I had children of my own. Just barely an adult, I got married three months after college graduation. Had it not been for my level headed husband, I would have started popping out kids in the middle of grad school. Instead, we waited 5 years until we had 2 masters, a doctorate, and an artist diploma between us.

While I unfailingly felt certain about my personal and familial path, there has always been fuzziness surrounding my career. I haven't ever experienced an audition season: flying to a major US city to sing for opera companies, young artist programs, and summer institutes. I didn't get a doctorate, which keeps me from being eligible to apply for 90% of tenure track university jobs. 

So, here I am (living in Kansas!) with 3 degrees in music, a husband (his career is taking off by the way), 2 children (whom I adore), and a fledgling career whose path I'm making up along the way.

On bad days, I am full of despair. There seems to be no advancement, unless I'm willing to spend the money and time to audition and/or go back to school for my doctorate. While these are a possibility, I'm not sure I want to ask my family to make the sacrifices those actions would require.

On good days I feel as if I have the best of both worlds. I occasionally get paid to sing, I teach dedicated, serious music students at a university with world renowned opera singers as colleagues, I volunteer at my kids' schools, and I even sometimes have a chance to sew or read or paint the walls in my house. 

The older I get, the easier it is to appreciate what I have, rather than feel bad about what I haven't accomplished.

Moments of stillness and quietude are few and far between this spring. My work load has increased significantly as I am stepping in to sing in WSU's production of Cold Sassy Tree. The role I'm singing is quite large and the score is extremely difficult. It would be so easy for me to feel constantly overwhelmed. There is no room in my life for things like a broken washing machine and unexpected doctor's appointments, much less tantrums over how a pair of socks "doesn't feel right."

But the thing that makes life difficult right now (all the rehearsals and time spent learning this *almost* impossible score) is such a luxury. It's been a long time since I've been able to allow myself this much time to work consistently on a project. And further, I don't have to be in charge!

I'm getting to be a student again, but with better vocal technique, more wisdom, and some life experience behind me. 

I have lots to say about learning a contemporary score and about growing as a performer and actor as a faculty member among students and how my family has been impacted by all this, but maybe I'll talk about those things in another post.

Mostly, I just want to say what an overwhelming sense of gratitude I have felt in the past few weeks. It has turned out that this role fits my voice like a glove. I'm very grateful about this, since I never truly know how a role will feel until I've sung it for a while. The students are kind and generous with me and so much fun. How thankful I am to be surrounded by interesting young people in my work environment. My mother in law is able to be here for two months to help take care of the kids and pick up the slack caused by my added work load. There will never be enough words to express what a gift that is to us.

I've always tried to hold things with an open hand, but this one is hard. I want to close my fist and hold on tightly. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to sing a role like this again and that knowledge makes this experience all the more sweet.

I'm sure as we get closer to curtain (April 9-12) I'll be posting lots of pictures on Instagram and updates on Facebook. Feel free to follow along with me if you're interested! In the meantime, if you're local and want to hear me sing something a little more melodious, I'll be singing as the guest vocalist with The Priests as their tour takes them through Wichita. (click here for a link to buy tickets.)

*In case you were wondering, our washing machine got fixed after a week of being out of commission. We were all on our last pairs of underwear. I finally went in to immediate care to get some antibiotics because I was too busy to see my doctor during regular office hours. Ruby got some new socks (see first sentence about the broken washing machine) and has ceased complaining about how they feel. Life is good. Complicated, but good.