Spring in DC

I'm still flying high after my weekend in Washington DC. That city is magic.

It didn't hurt that the weather was perfect.

I loved the bustle of everyone in suits, the architecture, the history, the food, the people. It reminded me that I'm meant to be in a city. The energy is vibrant and exciting. 

For so long I've felt suffocated and I didn't even realize it until this weekend. This trip has rejuvenated me. Shoot, I actually enjoyed talking and hanging out with people.

The most amazing thing of my time in DC was a coincidental encounter with my second cousin! It was the best way to start off the trip. Not only did I have a resident of DC to tell me how to get around and all the cool things to do, but I got to know Emily better and really enjoyed our immediate familial connection. Matteson genes are strong!

My hotel was definitely rustic and historical. Friday morning, I was woken up at 5 am (4 am Wichita time) by a chirping smoke detector outside my hotel room. I couldn't figure out how to turn on the bathroom light, so I hopped on a bike and met my student at Founding Farmers for breakfast. It was so great to hear about his experience during the week and share in the excitement of it all. After breakfast we walked back to the Kennedy Center, where we went up to the terrace to look over the city before his day started.

On my own again, I walked along the Potomac River where Obama's helicopter flew by (actually, I don't know that for sure, but I like to think it was him) and ended up at the Lincoln Memorial.

In the afternoon I followed the advice of my cousin and head to the Renwick Gallery. It turned out to be a highlight of my short visit. There are 8 rooms, each of which contains an installation by different artists. I've never seen so many smiles in an art gallery before.

The walls of this room were covered with insect taxidermy.

I spent some time sitting in front of the White House, people watching and enjoying the sunshine. And then I got hit on by a DC cop on a motorcycle. He gave me his card and told me to let him know the next time I was in town and he'd take me to the top of the Washington Monument. I immediately called Aleks to giggle about it. The thing is, for so many months I've been made to feel worthless and invisible. It was nice to be noticed.

Before my evening engagement, I had dinner with some friends from CT at the Fainting Goat. If you're in DC, you should definitely give this restaurant a try. I loved looking at these row houses as I walked around the city.

That night my student participated in the national Kennedy Center for Arts Theater Festival as a regional winner from Region 5.  He sang powerfully and was charismatic. I was probably more nervous than he was, but so proud. He represented all those who have invested in him so wonderfully.

This face is going places!

In light of the major changes in my life and my birthday, the timing for this trip could not have been more perfect. I left DC, completely exhausted, but also rejuvenated and lit from the inside. I'll be honest, on Sunday as I was preparing for the week ahead, a moment of panic washed over me as I realized life is going to look much different for me very soon. However, I feel alive again. I'm coming back to myself and Goodness, in whatever form it takes, is on its way.

Rebirth

I did a couple of things this past year that were firsts for me.
One was getting fitted for a bra. Ladies, this is life changing. Do it.
Another was going to a therapist. Apparently everyone is doing it already and I'm just late to join the party. I'm not sure I found "the one," but it was helpful. And resulted in the third thing.
I quit a job because I was unhappy.

For the past year I've been struggling. I've been fatigued and unhappy because of work. It's affected my personal life and I've cried more this past year than I have in a long time.

Today looking back, I can see that last semester I was looking to my students for a reason to stay. I love my students. Even when they disappoint me I still find them to be interesting and talented and funny and inspiring. But it's not always enough.

The whole thing is complex and messy, involving for starters; being an adjunct, living in Kansas, and my particular line of work. All of which I'm still sorting through and analyzing and not ready to put into writing just yet. What I am willing to name as another contributing factor is the horrifically low pay. If I was being fairly compensated for the work I do, I may have been able to stick around a bit longer. At least it would have helped me to temporarily feel valued.

This semester, several factors, including the entire cluster*ck that is Kansas, have made it very clear that there is no full time potential for me at this current job. It has also become clear that I am no longer willing to continue with the way things are.

It has been an agonizing decision process. One that has taken months. I've sought advice from many people; another new thing for me. Being a first child and all, I'm used to just figuring things out on my own. However, in this case I wanted to be very sure that I was making a logical, rational decision based on facts, not emotion.

Two things in the past week helped me to make my decision. One was a conversation with my mom in which she said "Emily, you can do anything! You started an opera company!" To which I replied, "Ugh, I don't have energy for that kind of thing." To which she replied, "Exactly."

The lightbulb went off. Why am I drowning in a job that is unfulfilling?

I'd walk through the doors at work, dreading the day ahead, feet dragging and my spirits low. Then I'd start teaching and more often than not, there would be moments throughout the day that would leave me satisfied and energized. I felt so conflicted. If I had found my vocation, shouldn't things be easier? Maybe I'd wasted the past 9 years of my life and should pursue a different career.

When I brought this up with the therapist, he said that life is messy and when we've found what we're supposed to do, it's the work that is easy. But, because life is hard, sometimes the circumstances surrounding the work make things unbearable.

Another lightbulb went off. I can find another way to do what I'm supposed to do.

I finally felt like I had permission to quit. Quitting my job did not mean that I was also giving up all the work I've done and progress I've made as a teacher over the last decade.

All I know is academia. All my husband knows is academia. What I'm starting to see, is that there can be other paths to a successful teaching and performing career outside a university setting. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like yet, but I'm excited to figure it out.

I don't have anything new lined up, which is a little unsettling. But what I do have is a renewed sense of purpose and hope and possibility.

About a month ago I had a dream that my family and I were moving to a new house. We were concerned about the size of the new house and if all of our furniture could fit. From the outside the new house seemed small and unsuitable. As we walked through each room, I felt cozy, but a bit cramped. However, we kept turning corners and walking through doorways and came upon room after room. While many of them were small, they had character and good bones. Some of them were falling apart and needed work, but it quickly became clear that it could be made into our dream house. I found myself becoming excited at the prospect that I could make this house look exactly the way I wanted and was eager to get to work.

The next morning the dream came back to me in a flash as I made coffee. The house in my dream was my career. The possibility of creating something to look exactly as I want it overshadowed the uncertainty of the unknown.

By the end of this last week, I had told all the people who will be directly affected by my quitting. Telling my beloved students was just as terrible as I had anticipated. Thankfully they are all gracious, loving people who just want me to be happy. 

The next day, the first day of my 35th year, I woke up feeling hopeful and happy and light for the first time in a long time.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I'm in a place to say yes to whatever might come my way.

My girl Maia is 7

Today my girl is seven. 

My firstborn.

She entered the world, a bundle of personality beneath a full head of dark hair. 

At eight months she finally decided to sleep through the night. At which point we found ourselves pregnant with her sister...

She has always been busy. Flitting from one thing to the next, chattering and singing on loop.

Maia's sense of style is a trademark. 

Who says cheetah print and florals don't go together? 

When she has her own house, it's going to colorful!

At four, her world opened up as she started preschool. New friends, adults, experiences have all fueled her never ending curiosity.

And while Maia loves to laugh and have a good time, she is also incredible considerate. She is quick to ask after a sick friend or remember important things about those she meets.

I cannot wait to see this picture on the jacket of her first book...

about fashion?

music?

political climate?

social injustice?

My girl Maia is such a gift.

She makes my life shiny and bright and I'm so lucky to be a part of her world.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Seven is going to be magical.