Eleven!

This year, I finally learned the lesson that Ruby has been trying to teach me her whole life. 

It's ok for her to feel all her feelings.

I think it took me 11 years to learn this lesson because the intensity of Ruby's feelings is quite powerful. It goes against all instinct to allow her fire to burn without trying to put it out.

Once I stopped looking at the fire and instead, into the source, I see that the fire hasn't consumed her. In fact, it's refining her into an amazing young woman.

This has been a big year for her, for us all. COVID, a big move, new everything. I'm humbled by her maturity and ability to be uncomfortable. Granted, she's not always quiet about the discomfort, but she doesn't run away from it.

Happy 11th birthday, my darling. 

I love getting to know you better and better each year.

Twelve!

One year ago we planned a birthday party for Maia, including an escape room at the public library. It was the first birthday party we'd hosted for several years and everyone was excited. And then, in the middle of March, the nation closed down and we scrambled to make her celebration special in a new way.

True to character, Maia was disappointed, but rebounded quickly. Her sunny disposition has been extraordinary during this trying year. When the kids' school went remote, I never had to worry about her making it to virtual class and staying on top of her work.

This year, when Aleks and I went to work full time, Maia handled her first year of middle school during this pandemic with astonishing maturity and responsibility. Every other day she was home alone, logging into each of her classes on zoom, managing the different digital platforms, and navigating the elevated expectations that come with middle school.

She has made a new, sweet friends and we're so grateful she has found her people. Middle school is such a crazy, intense time.

As Maia enters this next year of life, we are constantly delighted by her curiosity, strong feminine ideals, quirky personality, and willingness to help our family in any way she can.

Maia is as strong as she is soft. Serious and silly. Loves parties and friends, yet is an introvert.

Happy 12th birthday Maia! 

Those challenging first 9 months of your life were totally worth it. 

This world is a better place because you are in it. 

We love you.

Pandemic Check-in; Day ???

This week in Wichita, temps are stuck below freezing and it's not projected to warm up anytime soon.

I feel like I'm living in a loop. Wake up in the dark, work in a room without windows, come home to chores and dinner as it gets dark before we eat. Then fall asleep in front of the tv and do it all again 8 hours later.

This Groundhog Day effect is something I've come to expect this time of year, but add 10 months of a pandemic prior to the winter doldrums, and it just hits differently.

Our whole family got COVID the week after Thanksgiving (no idea where it was contracted: we've all fully recovered, and didn't expose anyone else) and so we've got antibodies to protect us through March. While chances are we're immune from the virus for 90 days, we may still be able to carry trace amounts and infect other people and so our pandemic lifestyle remains largely unchanged.

One of the only things keeping me going this winter is my husband. He just lights up a room, bringing energy back into this wintery void. For whatever reason, the pandemic has made us closer, when it so easily could have gone the other way.

I'm also grateful for our ability to cook good food at home, a large house that gives us all get the space we need, a steady job, and a middle schooler who is responsible enough to handle remote/hybrid learning.

Be it the pandemic, or winter, or something yet to be defined, the Sternfeld-Dunn family is itching for a change. I don't think a remodeled bathroom is going to do it this time. I've been patient before. Dreamed of change. Looked through Zillow. I'm familiar with this feeling. It never gets easier.

However, maybe because of this past year, I know now, more than ever, I can be content anywhere. Especially because of my weird, funny, loving little family.

Double Digits!

Sweet and spicy Ruby is now 10. 

Double digits. 

"A tween," she told me.

She continues to amaze me with her musicianship in everything she does; playing the piano, singing, dancing.

Despite being bit by a dog this year and getting 5 stiches, she still loves them and sleeps with our dog, Isabelle, every night.

Ruby has an amazing sense of style and has firm opinions about what she, and the rest of the family, wears. I can always count on her for honest feedback.

Ruby also has a great sense of humor. 

She did us all proud at the school spelling bee. I was a nervous wreck and I can imagine how she must have felt, but Ruby worked through those nerves and did so well. (The cat ears probably helped.)

Ruby, you are so special. I love getting to know you better each year and watch you grow into an amazing  young lady. Your kind heart, passionate opinions, and deep feelings are your super powers.

Happy birthday Ruby Ann!

P.S. Here's what we did during quarentine, when being home felt new and exciting and we were ready to be creative. You might have already seen this, but it's worth another view!

May

This morning I ripped off April from our wall calendar and announced "It's May!"

Maia barely looked up from the book she was reading and said, "May Day. Did you know that boys used to plant a pole in the yard of the girls they liked?"

And then Ruby chimed in "Mom, has a boy ever planted his pole in your yard?"

..............................................

One of our new quarentine routines is to walk our dog first thing in the morning. Usually it's just Ruby and I. I've noticed the transition from sweatshirts and jackets to t-shirts over the past month. Summer is just around the corner.

This morning she said "I really like quarentine. We're not busy all the time and we actually get to spend time with you and Dad."

I asked "Is there anything you miss that you can't do because of shelter in place?"

"No, not really. I miss seeing my friends, but that's it."

..............................................

I miss the anticipation of seeing my kids get off the bus and then having their energy fill the house as they dump all their school gear on the floor and race to go to the bathroom and get a snack. I miss the feeling of freedom, of having choices. I miss a barbell (not snatches) and the comraderie of working out with friends.

I know more of my neighbors' names now. I've spent more time outside this spring than I ever have since living in Kansas. We eat dinner together every night. Ruby and I read a long chapter book together. The girls are playing (and fighting) together more than they usually do. Maia will be entering middle school next year, and in a way, I feel like we've gotten to hit pause and enjoy her childhood a bit longer.

..............................................

There are days that are hard and days that are easier. Working fills me with purpose and simultaneously leaves me drained. Teaching online is harder. I'm noticing that some of the emotional struggles I feel are not unique to this pandemic, which gives me perspective on how to keep growing as a human.

..............................................

Aleks shaved his sideburns last night. He couldn't handle the growing "pubes" on the side of his face. He thinks it looks ok.

Hair grows back. And barpershops will open again one day.

..............................................

I was extremely eager to rip March down from my calendar. April has passed so quickly. It reminds me of the baby years; each day drags and drags, yet the months fly by.

May's little boxes are empty this morning. I'm hesitanat to make plans. To set expectations that may not be met.

I think what helps me is to stay in the moment. I have a family I like, an awesome house, plenty of food, my job. One thing at a time.

Happy May Day, friends.

Turning 11 in 2020 is a mood

Today Maia is 11.

She's been excited for a whole year because finally, her birthday is on a Saturday. Little did we know that the entire world would be shut down this year. In typical optimistic Maia fashion, she's found something to be happy about; she can sleep in on her birthday!

This firstborn of mine is such a gift to our family. She is easy going, quick to adapt to disappointment, and has the strongest moral compass of anyone I know.

She loves school, the library, and books with an astonishing fierceness.

She HATES being teased and views it as a personal affront.

Maia is excited for middle school next year and I think she's going to thrive. Although, this kid thrives anywhere you put her. Online learning? No problem! Libraries closed? (Ok, that one caused tears) She'll make do with the digital library!

Each passing day I see glimpses of the young woman Maia will be, and yet she hasn't quite crossed that border; one foot is still firmly planted in childhood.

I can't wait to see what this year will bring for my girl. Whatever it is, I know Maia will handle it with kindness, optimism, and humor.

Happy birthday, my sweet girl!

How are you doing?

Everyone doing ok?

I ripped March off our family calendar, a day early. April is all filled out, full of hope. It's amazing how full those little boxes are, in spite of all that's been cancelled.

Here in Kansas, we just started 30 days of shelter at home.

So much change and uncertainty is overwhelming.

Saturday was hard for Ruby.

Today was hard for me.

In the past few weeks I have been so proud of everyone in our community. The teachers in our district, the professors at the university, our neighbors, the grocery workers, the mail carriers.

So many adjustments have been made. The reslience I see from everyone is astounding.

I know this isn't forever and that we just need to each day as it comes. Stay in the moment. Be grateful for full refrigerators and good health.

It felt good to make plans for April. To write here after a long hiatus. The ritual of washing dishes and tidying the house helps.

I'm proud of you all. For doing your best. For feeling your feelings.

We can do this.

Here's a picture of the girls from today. Enjoy.