Another school year in the books

It's the last day of the school year!

I'm sure teachers are looking at summer vacation with visions of bathroom breaks whenever they need them, reading for pleasure, and later bedtimes.

I'm sure my kids are looking at summer vacation with visions of afternoons at the pool, frozen yogurt for dinner, and endless play time.

I'm looking at the summer months a bit more realistically. I'm sure the girls will be asking for snacks every 30 minutes and I know there will be significant amounts of bickering in the beginning. However, I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my girls, saying yes as much as possible, and reconnecting as a family.

(Side note, both my kids bought recorders at the music store yesterday, so there's that...)

This year has been so good for Ruby. I've seen her grow in confidence and bravery. I'm most proud of the way she faced some anxiety filled events and proved to herself that she is capable of doing really hard things.

(She's upset at me this morning because her teacher said not to bring anything in their backpacks today, but I put her lunch in there. We're not sure about the hot lunch situation on this last day, so I decided we should play it safe and send one. This is a perfect example of her tendency toward anxiety.)

Maia also had a great year. She's grown emotionally and is starting to form real friendships with some kids at school. She was a classroom representative on Student Council and we saw her demonstrate a real passion for this job.

At the end of this school year, more than ever, I see the age difference between my girls. Maia is starting to think about puberty and is dealing with more social conflicts than in the past. Ruby is still a "little" girl and always wants Maia to play catch or Life or dolls. More often than not, Maia would rather spend time alone.

They are so close in age, they've always been built-in playmates. The dynamic has shifted a bit and we'll all be figuring out how to navigate this new place.

I'm picking up the girls today from school so that we can give their teachers a small token of our gratitude. I'm feeling the loss that comes at the end of a chapter. I'm so enormously grateful to the women who shepherded their classrooms this year. They held my girls in kindness and love, while keeping them to high standards.

These women saw my kids more than I did some weeks and there are not adequate words to describe my gratitude for their commitment to helping raise smart, responsible, kind kids.

Cheers to the start of summer!

Change is coming!

It's my first day off in weeks. I just put a tray of sugar cookie bars into the oven. A treat for the girls, and the time to make them, a treat for me. The whole family has been limping toward the end of the semester, trying to stay just enough ahead so as to not let anything fall between the cracks.

It's a busy time of year for everyone and I know we're not the only ones feeling the spring burn.

About a month ago, I wrote a rather ambiguous post about transitions and finding contentment in uncertainty. What I couldn't say at the time, was that Aleks was a finalist for a position as the director for the school of music at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.

At the same time, we also found out that he was a finalist for the position as the director for the school of music at Wichita State University.

Against our better judgement, we feverishly browsed  Zillow, looking for houses in the Nashville area. I researched schools and neighborhoods, and CrossFit gyms. I mentally made lists of things to pack up first and how to get the house ready to sell.

We gave the girls a heads up and started conversations about what it might feel like to go to a new school.

I felt weepy some days, thinking about leaving the things that have been good for us. Ruby's piano teacher, the girls' elementary school, dear friendships, the simplicity of a smaller town, the general familiarity.

And I felt giddy other days thinking about the things I could leave behind.

Just as the busyness of my SHE promotion was amping up, we found out that Belmont had gone with a different candidate and that same week, Aleks was offered the position at WSU.

The girls shrieked with happiness when we told them the news.

Aleks is very excited about this new job. Since he's worked there for awhile, he understands the culture of the school and its challenges and strengths. He is a skilled leader with an enthusiastic vision for its potential. He is eager to use his position of power to give a voice to minorities and women. It's not going to be easy, but he's going to do a wonderful job and he's ready to dig in.

And as for me. Many of you know that I struggle living here in a place that is so very different from where I grew up.

During my trip to Pullman for SHE promotion, I had the opportunity to see some friends. One wise friend, in talking about her own experience, said "I can be happy anywhere." Really? I asked. Sure, she said with a smile and shrug of her shoulders.

Maybe it was the quiet confidence, or the shrug, but I clearly saw her happiness as a choice, something firmly in her control.

That conversation, coupled with my recent premature mourning of good Wichita things led to this conclusion; I don't need to wait until we move to make my life what I want it to be. Those things I was sad about leaving? I'm going lean into those. And the things I was so eager to leave behind? I can do something about them now.

And so.

Next year is going to look different for all of us. I'm going to teach less. I will be reducing my studio from 35 to 10 (hopefully 8). I will no longer be working on the weekends.

I'll be leaning into a more traditional stay at home role as Aleks won't have the same flexibility to help with the girls in this new position. I'm happy and eager to do this, it's something I'm pretty good at, actually.

I'm going to spend this year recharging my creative battery. I'm so burned out. It's going to feel really weird and it's going to be hard, but I hope that I'm a little bored so that new ideas and inspiration will have room to bud and grow.

It's such a process isn't it? I don't have it all figured out just yet, but I'm committed to keep working at it.

Ah! The bus is here! I'm ready to give my girlies their treat.

Maia is 9!

I walked to baggage claim yesterday, having finally arrived home after 2 1/2 weeks on the road, and there was my gorgeous family waiting with rib crushing hugs.

To my astonishment, it looked like Maia had grown 2 inches since I last saw her. Her blonde head is almost above my shoulder now, and at this point, she's all legs.

And today, my darling first born is 9.

Let me tell you about my girl Maia.

She is wonderfully quirky. Her vocabulary is extensive and well beyond her years. Yesterday she was talking about picking up donuts before school and said "we should probably set off around 7:30." Earlier this week she was complaining about practicing the same pieces over and over, she told Aleks "I'm just trying to be a faithful daughter!"

Her teachers and others have told me that talking to her is like talking to an adult.

I know her vocabulary comes from her love of reading. This girl almost always has her nose in a book. Sometimes she'll bring a book to the school lunch room, in case she gets bored. Most recently she been into Wings of Fire, a series about dragons.

And while her vocabulary indicates an older mind, she is still very young emotionally. She is well liked by all her classmates, but doesn't seem to have very many close friends. And honestly, it's probably because she reads so much. She spends more time reading than interacting with classmates.

But I'm not worried. I think she'll continue to figure it all out.

This year, more than ever, I see the transition from girl to young woman looming on the horizon. Maia has started testing out some sassiness and eye rolling. Mostly, we find it entertaining, Maia included. I suppose I'll have to address her attitude if it gets worse, but for now, I appreciate her exploration and emerging independence.

Some of Maia's likes:
Books, dragons, Harry Potter, pancakes (yes, still), laughing, swimming, gymnastics, her sister (most of the time), and purses/accessories.

Some of Maia's dislikes:
Blood, most foods (including pizza and mac and cheese), and wearing a jacket to school. Honestly, she's a pretty easy kid.

Maia is hugely empathetic and kind. For now she says she wants to be a scientist and help preserve plants and animals. I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up doing that! I could also see her doing some kind of social justice work or as a civil servant.

It's a privilege to be her mom and be a part of her journey.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

Airport thoughts

I'm sitting in the airport during a three hour layover on my way to Washington state. I'm already missing my family, but also starting to feel myself unwind in the way that being removed from your everyday routine can encourage.

Since winter break ended, life has presented Aleks and I with some unexpected challenges. Nothing that is alarming or life shattering, but rather the kind of challenges that sit silently in the corner, biding their time to potentially impact our lives. Or not. Or change things completely. The irony of Lent and this season of life coinciding is not lost on me.

Fourteen and a half years of marriage is a huge advantage, however. Are we still as spontaneous and romantic as we once were? No. But being helpmates to each other in times of stress? Yeah, we know how to travel this road together.

On top of the weird emotional state hovering over our household for the last three months, I have a cd that is being released in April (if you haven't heard). Having never done this before, I didn't realize that this project would not end with last take of the recording session. It has been a wonderful, exciting process and full of decisions and revisions. Most recently, the production company with whom I'm working, has encouraged me to be proactive in the weeks leading up to the release by being more present and vocal on social media. Also, part of the push before the release involves me giving a series of concerts, which have been in the works for months. Former professors, colleagues, and current friends are hosting me at various venues, generously supporting me and album in this way.

I just bring this up, because I'm sure on social media, things may look pretty exciting. And they are. But here's a more realistic picture.

I gave a concert last Friday at a venue about an hour outside of Wichita. When people ask me how it went, I truthfully tell them it went well. I sang to the best of my ability and my pianist/friend and I made some really beautiful, interesting music. What I don't tell most of them is that there were 12 people in the audience, 3 of whom were my family. It was really discouraging.  And even though it wasn't my fault, caused me to feel like a failure.

The next day I was decidedly "blue," but thankfully it was one of those rare Wichita days in which the temperature was perfect AND there was no wind so the girls and I rode our bikes to the park. Sun and movement always lift my spirits.

And there's so much to learn from my kids.

Ruby is incredibly adept at acknowledging the good things in her life. When I rub her back or massage her head, she'll often look up at me and say "that feels good." Or if we're playing a game or building a fort, she'll pause to let me know she's having fun. I want to do more of this in my own life.

Maia lives so utterly in the moment she'll forget what she's saying mid-sentence because she's been distracted by the last piece of popcorn which she has accidentally dropped onto the floor and our dog scrambles to devour. Her room is a gallery of unfinished creative projects (rainbow loom necklaces) amidst piles of books (which she is reading all at once, small ripped pieces of paper serving as bookmarks) adorned with one or more planned outfits for picture day (having been laid out weeks in advance). Her life is so fun and interesting.

I want to live more in the moment. Certainly, there are seasons of life that require thinking ahead and planning. I am currently experiencing an intense period of living in the future. The inside of my brain is like an olympic table tennis match; the balls moving back and forth between tasks and lists almost faster than the human eye can see.

I've been thinking recently about contentment (and happiness? same thing?) and that it might lie in the present. Understanding my place and role in the universe and not looking ahead for more or behind at what has happened helps provide satisfaction with my life.

Since the beginning of February I've been participating in the phenomena that is the Crossfit Open. Basically it's 5 workouts that are announced once a week for 5 weeks and people all over the world do the same workout and post their scores with hopes to advance to the regional games.
(I'm just doing the workouts as part of a internal gym competition, I'm not actually competing in the Open proper.) I did the fourth workout (18.4) on Saturday and currently, the entire area from my lower back to the backs of my knees throbs anytime I lean over. And while its terribly painful and inconvenient, strangely, it makes me happy. Not because I like the pain, but rather what that pain represents. It reminds me that I did a really hard thing and it didn't defeat me.

Which makes me think, could this be a larger metaphor for life? Stress, anxiety, low-self worth. What can those things tell me? Maybe that I'm doing something about which I care very deeply? That this period of uncertainty is helping me find contentment?

As I always tell my students, we often don't learn and grow as fully when things come easily.

Are you still reading? I should send you a signed CD. :)

My flight's boarding in a bit.

Peace to you, my friends.

My crazy family

It was one of those weekends, in which I had to work Saturday (not typical) and Sunday (typical). Thankfully our family was able to connect at dinner Saturday night and I caught up on the events of the day.

There are so very many reasons why I love my husband. One of them is that he likes to grocery shop and assumes that responsibility most Saturdays. We usually sit down on Friday night or early Saturday morning, plan the menu for the week, and create our shopping list. We've been doing this for 8 years and it has saved us so much time and money. In an attempt to be the most efficient with our budget, he ends up going to 3 different grocery stores. Aleks has the routine down to a science and it usually takes about 2 hours to get it all done. Without kids, that is.

This weekend, Aleks had to take the girls with him, which everyone dreads. To give them an incentive, he usually promises them a Costco treat if they are helpful. And sometimes, it means making things interesting during travel time.

Ruby started the story.

In the car between grocery stores, Aleks told them they could cuss, just this once, and he wouldn't get mad.

Ruby's eyes lit up as she remembered the event: "Do you know what he said?! The F-U word!"

Then Aleks chimes in "so, Ruby, what did you say?"

"The F-U word" she says with a little grin on her face.

But apparently, they couldn't pressure Maia into cussing. She just wouldn't do it.

And at that moment, as we're finishing out last bites of chicken, she points an accusing finger around the table and says "YEAH, because I'm the only Christian here!"

Aleks and I just about died from laughter. I love being a part of this family.

Today Maia and I talked some more about that whole event. I didn't talk with her about the fact that "sin is sin" and cussing once in awhile is just as bad as not always demonstrating loving behavior towards her sister and maybe I should have gone there, but instead I chose to focus on the fact that I love her strong morals and that she needs to be careful that she doesn't judge other people who are different.

"Ruby and I aren't different," she told me, "I just have very strong opinions about saying bad words."

And those strong opinions are one of the very things I love most about her.

You might think her strong convictions and inclinations toward faith come from living in such a conservative, evangelical part of the country. However, Aleks and I certainly don't reinforce those cultural influences and the church we attend is one of the rare non-judge-y communities in this area. Instead, it's just who she is. I suppose it's built into her DNA. (And maybe, just maybe her mom might have been like that when she was younger. Maybe.)

Monday is my day off. It's a day for me to catch up on housework and paperwork and loose ends at work. It's a day that I don't have to put on makeup. The girls don't have school today, so we're using it as a time for us to reconnect as well. Lots of Lego playing and a trip to the trampoline park while I try to catch up best I can. Maybe we'll watch some Olympics later.

These days I'm particularly aware of how grown my children have become and how different our lives look compared to our first years here in Wichita. The wind still keeps us up at night and we still can't grocery shop at Trader Joe's, but things are comfortable and easy here in the middle.

A substituting adventure

I initially thought that on my days off (which happen to be during the week because my independently contracted life doesn't include a typical 9-5 job) I could help out by substituting in my kids' classrooms. I volunteer once a week already and the kids know me, so it would be a pretty easy transition for them and myself.

I casually looked into the process and forgot about it for awhile because there were like a thousand steps involved in applying. Then, sometime between Nov. and Dec., when I'm especially burned out and questioning my career choices, I looked into it again. And I emailed the district office with some questions. Which they answered and said "We have one of our mandatory meetings in two days. I know you're haven't finished applying, but if you came, we could at least cross that off our list."

And because I'm the type of person who must finish something with steadfast determination once it's started, completed the application process in a matter of hours.

A few days after the district meeting I received a call from the substitute coordinator who was looking for a long term music sub for an elementary teacher headed to maternity leave. My paperwork was 2 weeks into process at the state level and I hadn't officially been hired yet. Provided my fingerprints went through and the State of Kansas granted me an emergency sub license, I agreed to take the job.

My paperwork went through in record time and on Jan. 9 I found myself in the classroom, looking at a group of 4th graders with recorders in hand.

The past month has been surreal. All 3 of my degrees are in music performance and technically, I've had zero classroom training. However, I have been teaching privately for 17 years so while I was in new territory, it also felt like I've been teaching elementary music my whole life.

I had no idea if I would enjoy this job. It's so different from one on one work I do with high school and college kids. It all felt a little reckless.

As it turns out, it was a wonderful experience and I enjoyed it more than I anticipated. Here are some things I learned:

1. All the teacher memes on the internet are true. Especially the ones about not having time to go to the bathroom. Of course everyone is all "be careful of your voice" and "be sure you're practicing vocal health" and I'm all "Yes! I'll drink lots of water as part of my vocal health regime!" and then I'm almost peeing my pants during 1st grade rhythm work because I haven't had time to visit the restroom.

2. Elementary school is where kids learn how to navigate the world, but at low stakes. I can't tell you how many times I told classes that one of the most important things they can learn, right now, is to keep your hands to yourself, don't touch things that don't belong to you, and only worry about yourself; make sure you are doing the right thing even when no one is looking. There were also a few conversations about empathy with the 5th graders. Maybe they all heard "wah-wah-wah" (sad trombone sound), but maybe those ideas stuck with one or two kiddos.

3. Technology is a huge part of the classroom these days. There are smart boards and flip grids and endless online resources. Honestly, this was the part of subbing that made me the most nervous. Thankfully most of the technology is pretty intuitive and the kids know how to use it just as well as the adults. And they LOVE helping. There was one day that my promethean board wasn't working and so I had to scramble to make new lessons plans, but it all worked out.

4. There is something refreshing about the intense, honest display of emotions from younger kids. So a student doesn't get a turn when they wanted and they start crying; the next time they are all smiles and eager to participate. Their emotions are intense and come and go quickly. It's a refreshing change from the sometimes complicated and angsty dealings with adolescents.

5. Teachers are angels here on earth. I've always known this, but working in the school system, on the front lines with amazing men and women who have a passion for kids and education, just solidified this belief. Seriously, these people who are instructing our kids are teaching them so much more than reading and writing and arithmetic. It's a hard, tiring job and I'm so grateful for you who chose to make it your life's work.

I'm very grateful for my time in the classroom. It has taught me about myself and the community in which I live. So many good things.

Now, it's time to focus on my other teaching and the upcoming release of my album; SHE. Never a dull moment!

Happiest of Holidays

This year the house has remained a bit dirtier than usual. The carpets often have bits of fuzz or lint dotting the 20 year old fibers. When looking at our dresser at just the right angle, you can see a thorough, delicate coating of dust. The windows need washing and the basement is a constant American Girl disaster zone.

The cleanliness of our house is perhaps a testament to the busyness of our lives, but more accurately, I believe it is a reflection of our shift in priorities. This year, more than any other, we have made a conscious effort to take care of ourselves and of each other.

We've had a great year, with lots of career accomplishments and the girls' continual growth in every part of their lives. And yet, I am most proud that our little unit keeps working to communicate and encourage each other. There are days when we aren't successful and it's a constant process: learning how to best love each other. But hopefully how we treat each other as a family will translate to our relationships outside the home and maybe those interactions will be the spark that encourages others to extend grace to those around them.

We head into the new year, with the same resolution: showing kindness to all in what we say and do. May 2018 bring you peace and love. And, if you don't mind a little extra dust, there's always a bed and a hot cup of coffee for you here in Wichita.