Thanksgiving 2018: DC edition

This year for Thanksgiving we decided to do something totally out of the norm for our family. We took the girls out of school for two days, met Aleks in Washington DC and spent the week walking, visiting as many museums as we could handle, and having some much needed, concentrated family time. The girls are at a wonderful age for adventuring and this experience made me realize how important it is to travel as a family.

Here's why I think it's important for kids to travel:

We all try new things.
Maia tried 6 new foods on this trip. Granted, they were mostly 6 different bread based foods, but for her it was a really big step forward.

(Here she is eating not a new food, but one of her favorite treats.)

We are made more grateful for what we have.
Using public transportation and living in a basement apartment for 5 days made me aware of how fortunate we are to have such a huge house and live in a place that is so affordable and easy to get around (if you have a car).

Seeing new sights is inspiring.
So many things in DC are asthetically pleasing to look at. The columns outside the reptile house at zoo had carved stone turtles at their base. The Natural History Museum's stone steps were concave from decades of feet that had used them. The row houses in different colors were a feast for the eyes. Ruby kept saying "this is so facinating!" And of course, all the art. The National Portrait Gallery was beyond inspiring (even though my kids were over. it. at this point).

We see outside ourselves.
One of my kiddos asked "why are there so many people here with dark skin?" It made me realize that it's my responsibility to give them the chance to experience places and people that are different from what we know day to day.  I'm doing a disservice to my children if I don't help them see outside themselves and the privelege into which they've been born. Traveling helps them to see beyond our little land locked midwest island and will hopefully grow their empathy and keeps their minds open.

We are made uncomfortable and then have the opportunity to grow.
Walking in the cold, using public transportation, and having limited resources all can be uncomfortable. But because of these things, my kids increased their body awareness, how to walk in a crowd, mastered escalator ettiquette, and improved their capacity for patience.

She decided she was done walking and plopped down while waiting for the light to change. Not pictured: the cars zipping by 2 feet away from the curb.

And to be transparent, I fully recognize that we are beyond priviledged to be able to travel as a family of four and that it's not possible for everyone. Add it to the list of things for which I'm thankful!

We hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Love, Us

Bathroom Remodel: Worth Every Penny

Our house was built in 1997 as some of the new construction following the 1991 Andover tornado.

There are many things we love about our house. However, we have always hated our bathroom. It's huge, but the space wasn't used in an effecient way and it was extremely dated.

Admittedly, the large bathtub was handy when the girls were little. I'd put Ruby in there (without any water and before she could walk) as a way to keep her contained while I took a shower. Now that they're bigger, the tub was hardly used and Aleks and I just got fed up with the tiny, oddly shaped shower.

So, we decided to finally bite the bullet and remodel the space into something we love. Aleks did all the work securing the loan and the contractor and I took the lead in designing and communciating with the workers.

Here's our bathroom before:

And here it is, one month and a week later. (Totally worth the wait.)

In place of the tub, I had a makeup counter installed, which takes advantage of the natural light coming in. Now, I just have to learn how to do my makeup!

The shower material is Onyx, a man made product. What I like about this product is that there are no grout lines to clean. I adore subway tile, but to use all tile would have put our house out of the price range for our neighborhood. While we did this remodel for ourselves and not necessarily resale value, I wanted to be somewhat responsible.

And a bench in a shower is just the best.

Our fixtures are all brushed nickel, but the light fixtures have some brass and when I saw these mirrors I thought the brass frame would help soften all the gray. I have no idea if I'm "allowed" to mix metals, but I like the way it turned out.

Aleks was really wonderful about trusting my taste and vision. He admittedly had some reservations about round mirrors and a few other things, but is thrilled with how it all turned out.

The makeup counter and vanity were both custom built, so I asked for a laundry basket drawer. It's one of my favorite things about the bathroom.

I didn't want a huge makeup counter, so there wasn't room left for drawers.

We ended up designing the vanity so that drawers pulled out from the side and are easily accesible while I'm sitting at the makeup counter.

The graphic back splash really warms up the room and adds interest.

Our contractor suggested a darker grout to match the tile. I insisted on a lighter shade and I'm really glad I did.

The stained wood shelves are another favorite of mine. They match the makeup counter top and light fixtures.

We are so glad we decided to do this. Our conractor was wonderful. He was a great communicator, worked clean, and tried to save us money whenever he could. Let me know if you'd like his contact info!

15 years!

I'm sure most of the people at our wedding thought we were too young to be getting married. Some family members and friends had told us their opinions outright. Some kept it to themselves. But there were also a few in attendance who believed that we knew what we were doing.

I remember crying as I walked down the aisle (and throughout my vows), not because I was sad or anxious, but instead, overcome with the magnitude of it all. As a result, there are no pictures of me in that moment. I'm not a pretty crier.

I remember an epic toast by my maid of honor Erin who, perfectly balancing humor and love, convinced a few of those doubters that we'd be ok.

(my dad married us *inset heart eyes emoji*)

As my college roommate for 3 years, Erin and I knew each other in ways only roommates can know one another. In particular, and lucky for her, she was aware of my self-diagnosed disorder: P.F.A., otherwise known as Public Farting Anxiety. I refuse to pass gas in front of other people, to the point of causing myself discomfort.

As Erin shared my disorder at our reception with our closest friends and family, she went on to tell about a night I returned home from a date with Aleks. I came into her room and said, "I think he's the one. I farted in front of Aleks tonight."

And here we are, celebrating 15 years of marriage.

Aleks, you're still my favorite person. I hold you in highest esteem, respect you and your opinion, and am constantly overwhelmed by the way you father our children. Actually, I'm not sure we knew what we were doing 15 years ago, because I didn't love you a fraction of what I do now.

There is no better partner for me.

Thank you for being the kind of man who encourages me to let my farts out.

Eight Years Old

She now takes her own shower, followed by a blow dry and straight iron session.

When I wore a fashionably questionable pair of pants, at which both Aleks and Maia wrinkled their noses, Ruby's opinion was the one that convinced me to put them in the give away pile.

The other morning Ruby was particularly tired and asked me for a cup of coffee.

She makes a lot of her own food now: hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, slices cheese for cheese and crackers.

She sleeps with a weighted blanket and wears noise canceling headphones.

She loves Isabelle more than anything and just wants to cuddle and hug that poor dog all day long.

She's a girl with big emotions; as quick to laugh and hug as she is to be impatient and snap. When she wants, she is good at understanding the emotions of others and tending to their needs.

Ages 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 were dicey, at best. But, my oh my, what a delight and joy this girl is to our family and all those who know her.

I suspect we'll always need to encourage her to find ways to manage her anxiety and sensitivity, but watching her continue to grow and mature is an exciting privilege.

Seven was magical. I'm so excited to see what eight will bring.

4 things you should know about your child's music lessons and their teacher

I've been a music teacher for almost 20 years. It's a fulfilling career in so many ways: at the forefront is the connection created with other humans through music making. However, as with any job that involves a service of some sort, we rarely think of the human being behind the service we receive.

Here are four (and a half) things to consider that will help your music teacher feel like a valued member of society.

1. Your initial interaction tells us a lot about how lessons are going to go.
Here's a message I received the other day requesting voice lessons:

Hello! I heard through (...) that you give voice lessons.. she mentioned that you may be full until January, but I wondered if it would be possible to be put on your list of students then? Thanks (...)

You may read this and think, what's the big deal? First problem, this was sent on FB messenger, from someone I do not know, nor do I really know the person from whom she received the reference. If you google my name, my website will pop up as the first hit. I have spent considerable time designing and creating content for this site, and I even pay an annual fee! On this website there is copious information about my teaching philosophy and policy. There is also a place to send an email.

A random FB message indicates your level of interest and commitment. Think about it. Would you FB message a new doctor to get an appointment? Or realtor? Or chiropractor?

A further problem with this lesson request is the lack of context. Are the lessons for you or your child? Have you had lessons before? Why do you want to take lessons? All this information, when included at first contact tells us that you have given thought as to why you want music lessons and are interested in finding a good fit.


2a. Even though music lessons are a hobby for your student, they are your teacher's work.
Yes, we love what we do. Yes, we are lucky to be able to make music all day. However, it is still a job. I've received many comments over the years from parents who off-handedly comment on the luxury of my non-tradional work hours, or intimate that I'm soooo lucky to play piano all day, all of which are not meant to be demeaning, but undermine the craft and effort that underlie my profession.


2b. Late payments mean your teacher may not be able to pay their bills.
Chances are, your music teacher makes their living giving lessons. Even though you may view lessons as non-essential, they provide the bread and butter for your teacher.


3. You student is not entitled to music lessons.
Music lessons are intense. They are one on one. You or your student is being asked to think critically. It's hard work. It's also incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. If you approach lessons expecting to be spoon fed, constantly praised, and micro-managed, you are doing yourself and your teacher a disservice.


4. We music teachers are your biggest fans.
I get to see many of my students more often than they get to see their grandparents. I come to know their lives and hear about the challenges and joys they experience each week. I get to see growth and vulnerability. Music teachers are some of the most generous, supportive, loving people I know. We're in this business because we like connecting with other humans and communicating through music. And there is nothing more exciting to us than seeing our students thrive in all ways, big or small.


While music lessons aren't an essential service, they are undoubtedly essential to functional humanity and I'm grateful to be a contributor.

New Roles

It's the last week of August. The kids have been in school for 2 weeks and I'm finally starting to recover from our long, intense summer.

Headed into fall, we are all trying on new roles. Aleks is the new Director of the School of Music at WSU. This new position is something he wanted quite a lot and for which he is very well suited. As his partner, it's exciting and fun to watch him overcome challenges and put into practice so many of his leadership skills.

Maia is now a 4th grader. She is taking on more responsibility by singing in an extracurricular choir, continuing with piano lesson, and taking acro jazz. There is more responsibility and independence in her classroom this year and we're working to expand that into our home life as well.

Ruby is in 2nd grade. She just started competitive soccer and is getting adjusted to the intensity of practices and games. Turns out, I'm one of those parents who yells a lot from the sidelines. And it turns out I know nothing about soccer. After a summer of violin lessons, she's back into piano and showing marked maturity about practicing so far.

For many different reasons (a major one being Aleks' new job which demands more traditional work hours) I have stepped into the role of CEO of household management. After two weeks of stay-at-home work, I am once again struck with what a luxury it is to have a partner who is able to manage all the household affairs. Of course, because I'm me, I'm still working 3 other part time jobs, but I've reduced my private teaching by about 2/3, which leaves me more time to take care of the family.

Now that I have time, one of the things I've taken over are the interactions with our insurance agent, contractor (we're remodeling our bathroom, but more on that another time), piano tuner, auto mechanic, etc.

Which leads me to say: salesMEN of Wichita, y'all are going to have to figure out a different way to interact with this strong, independent woman. Your "hey there little lady" mentality is not going to cut it. And when I call you for clarifications on policies, I am not a "deeply concerned woman." Rather I'm an intelligent customer who is irritated that she has to take time out of her day to get clarification on a matter that should have been explained during our hour long meeting last week. And when I'm matter of fact on the phone and don't want to chat about nonsense, I'm not angry or rude, I've just got stuff to do.

Is this a midwest thing? I don't feel like I was treated this way other places I've lived...

Now that I'm not drowning in work, I'm hoping to resume some of my creative projects. One of them includes writing here on a more consistent basis. Another is that I'm hoping to record another season of our podcast, "What Makes."

I hope your fall is off to a good start and that whether you're working in the home or outside the home, you are finding time to be creative and fulfilled!

Summer is here!

My brother has a theory that everyone’s earliest memory involves a traumatic or negative experience.

In my first memory, I’m lying on the bathroom floor at my grandparents’ house in Castro Valley, CA. My head is on the shag rug and I can see the pink porcelain bathtub out of the corner of my eye. My mom is changing my diaper, so I couldn’t have been much older than two. 

My mom was one of the original hippies who made her own bread with whole wheat, fed us carob instead of chocolate, and owned moon shoes at one point. She and my dad were strong supporters of the public library and the only TV we were allowed to watch was a half hour of Mr. Rogers. On occasion, we could watch a half hour of Sesame Street as well, but only if dinner was taking longer to cook than intended. We were cloth diaper kids. 

On this day, however, I was in a disposable diaper.

I distinctly remember a sharp pain as the diaper was pulled from my inner thighs to be removed and seeing red marks where the edges had been cutting into my tender toddler legs. And I remember thinking “my thighs are too fat for this diaper.”

At two years old, I was ashamed of my body.

Even though my house was absent of a strong media presence, I grew up aware that my large, unconventional body was not ideal and tried to hide it behind baggy clothes. 

Visits to the doctor’s office, where my weight was spoken about in hushed, concerned tones, didn’t help. 

I struggled with body image throughout adolescence and young adulthood. I dieted and exercised and binged and counted points and bought a Fitbit and dieted some more. Four years into my marriage and during graduate school, I lost forty pounds, dyed my hair blonde, and for the first time in my life felt a modicum of self-confidence.

Soon after I became pregnant with our oldest daughter and 17 months later had her sister. Needless to say, I gained back those 40 pounds and then some.

Very early on, my husband and I agreed that we needed to be very careful about how we talked about our own bodies in front of our children. No “I’m so fat” comments or disdainful pinching of flabby areas.

When we first moved to Kansas, the girls were one and two. Unaccustomed to the hot, humid summers here, we sought refuge at the YMCA water parks. Each trip I found myself carrying the baby on a hip and chasing after the toddler with fake self-assuredness as my white, dimpled, post-partum body was on display for all of greater Wichita. Inside I was embarrassed and mortified, but I would be damned if I remained hot and sweaty one second longer.

And thus, a tradition was started. Each summer we get hot and sweaty and find ourselves headed to the Y for a swim. Every year the girls get older and taller and pretty soon I won’t need to get in the pool with them. Which is pretty ironic, since I have finally made peace with this strong, capable body of mine.

I’m not sure I can pinpoint when exactly the change occurred. Maybe it was the decrease in negative talk after my girls were born. Maybe it’s that now I care more about creating memories and experiences than meeting a superficial standard.

Or maybe it’s that I finally see myself through my daughters’ eyes.

A few summers ago, we all went swimsuit shopping. The three of us were crowded into the changing room and my daughters “helped” by taking all the suits off the hangers. As I began this dreaded process, my underwear poked out the bottom of each possibility, creating weird, extra folds on my thighs and belly. Some of the tops were a bad fit and the fluorescent lights accentuated the rolls cascading down my back.

And yet, with each new suit I tried, my girls would exclaim “that looks so pretty!” or “oooooo, so fashionable!” Their comments were pure and honest and they didn’t see the flaws that I was so quick to fixate upon.

What a gift I was given that day.

I have these two beautiful, precious girls who will undoubtedly have their own complicated relationships with their bodies. But for now, I’m doing my best to help them love who they are, bodies and all. I try to provide nutritious foods and encourage lots of physical play. I try not to comment on how they look, rather praise them for what their bodies have helped them accomplish, such as running fast, or doing a straight-legged cartwheel. 

My girls are now 7 and 9 and I’m very aware that lots of physical changes are coming our way. I know there will lots of struggles and a huge learning curve as we navigate puberty. But, one things I know for certain: we’ll keep having fun swimming together this summer and for many summers to come.

Another school year in the books

It's the last day of the school year!

I'm sure teachers are looking at summer vacation with visions of bathroom breaks whenever they need them, reading for pleasure, and later bedtimes.

I'm sure my kids are looking at summer vacation with visions of afternoons at the pool, frozen yogurt for dinner, and endless play time.

I'm looking at the summer months a bit more realistically. I'm sure the girls will be asking for snacks every 30 minutes and I know there will be significant amounts of bickering in the beginning. However, I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my girls, saying yes as much as possible, and reconnecting as a family.

(Side note, both my kids bought recorders at the music store yesterday, so there's that...)

This year has been so good for Ruby. I've seen her grow in confidence and bravery. I'm most proud of the way she faced some anxiety filled events and proved to herself that she is capable of doing really hard things.

(She's upset at me this morning because her teacher said not to bring anything in their backpacks today, but I put her lunch in there. We're not sure about the hot lunch situation on this last day, so I decided we should play it safe and send one. This is a perfect example of her tendency toward anxiety.)

Maia also had a great year. She's grown emotionally and is starting to form real friendships with some kids at school. She was a classroom representative on Student Council and we saw her demonstrate a real passion for this job.

At the end of this school year, more than ever, I see the age difference between my girls. Maia is starting to think about puberty and is dealing with more social conflicts than in the past. Ruby is still a "little" girl and always wants Maia to play catch or Life or dolls. More often than not, Maia would rather spend time alone.

They are so close in age, they've always been built-in playmates. The dynamic has shifted a bit and we'll all be figuring out how to navigate this new place.

I'm picking up the girls today from school so that we can give their teachers a small token of our gratitude. I'm feeling the loss that comes at the end of a chapter. I'm so enormously grateful to the women who shepherded their classrooms this year. They held my girls in kindness and love, while keeping them to high standards.

These women saw my kids more than I did some weeks and there are not adequate words to describe my gratitude for their commitment to helping raise smart, responsible, kind kids.

Cheers to the start of summer!

Change is coming!

It's my first day off in weeks. I just put a tray of sugar cookie bars into the oven. A treat for the girls, and the time to make them, a treat for me. The whole family has been limping toward the end of the semester, trying to stay just enough ahead so as to not let anything fall between the cracks.

It's a busy time of year for everyone and I know we're not the only ones feeling the spring burn.

About a month ago, I wrote a rather ambiguous post about transitions and finding contentment in uncertainty. What I couldn't say at the time, was that Aleks was a finalist for a position as the director for the school of music at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.

At the same time, we also found out that he was a finalist for the position as the director for the school of music at Wichita State University.

Against our better judgement, we feverishly browsed  Zillow, looking for houses in the Nashville area. I researched schools and neighborhoods, and CrossFit gyms. I mentally made lists of things to pack up first and how to get the house ready to sell.

We gave the girls a heads up and started conversations about what it might feel like to go to a new school.

I felt weepy some days, thinking about leaving the things that have been good for us. Ruby's piano teacher, the girls' elementary school, dear friendships, the simplicity of a smaller town, the general familiarity.

And I felt giddy other days thinking about the things I could leave behind.

Just as the busyness of my SHE promotion was amping up, we found out that Belmont had gone with a different candidate and that same week, Aleks was offered the position at WSU.

The girls shrieked with happiness when we told them the news.

Aleks is very excited about this new job. Since he's worked there for awhile, he understands the culture of the school and its challenges and strengths. He is a skilled leader with an enthusiastic vision for its potential. He is eager to use his position of power to give a voice to minorities and women. It's not going to be easy, but he's going to do a wonderful job and he's ready to dig in.

And as for me. Many of you know that I struggle living here in a place that is so very different from where I grew up.

During my trip to Pullman for SHE promotion, I had the opportunity to see some friends. One wise friend, in talking about her own experience, said "I can be happy anywhere." Really? I asked. Sure, she said with a smile and shrug of her shoulders.

Maybe it was the quiet confidence, or the shrug, but I clearly saw her happiness as a choice, something firmly in her control.

That conversation, coupled with my recent premature mourning of good Wichita things led to this conclusion; I don't need to wait until we move to make my life what I want it to be. Those things I was sad about leaving? I'm going lean into those. And the things I was so eager to leave behind? I can do something about them now.

And so.

Next year is going to look different for all of us. I'm going to teach less. I will be reducing my studio from 35 to 10 (hopefully 8). I will no longer be working on the weekends.

I'll be leaning into a more traditional stay at home role as Aleks won't have the same flexibility to help with the girls in this new position. I'm happy and eager to do this, it's something I'm pretty good at, actually.

I'm going to spend this year recharging my creative battery. I'm so burned out. It's going to feel really weird and it's going to be hard, but I hope that I'm a little bored so that new ideas and inspiration will have room to bud and grow.

It's such a process isn't it? I don't have it all figured out just yet, but I'm committed to keep working at it.

Ah! The bus is here! I'm ready to give my girlies their treat.

Maia is 9!

I walked to baggage claim yesterday, having finally arrived home after 2 1/2 weeks on the road, and there was my gorgeous family waiting with rib crushing hugs.

To my astonishment, it looked like Maia had grown 2 inches since I last saw her. Her blonde head is almost above my shoulder now, and at this point, she's all legs.

And today, my darling first born is 9.

Let me tell you about my girl Maia.

She is wonderfully quirky. Her vocabulary is extensive and well beyond her years. Yesterday she was talking about picking up donuts before school and said "we should probably set off around 7:30." Earlier this week she was complaining about practicing the same pieces over and over, she told Aleks "I'm just trying to be a faithful daughter!"

Her teachers and others have told me that talking to her is like talking to an adult.

I know her vocabulary comes from her love of reading. This girl almost always has her nose in a book. Sometimes she'll bring a book to the school lunch room, in case she gets bored. Most recently she been into Wings of Fire, a series about dragons.

And while her vocabulary indicates an older mind, she is still very young emotionally. She is well liked by all her classmates, but doesn't seem to have very many close friends. And honestly, it's probably because she reads so much. She spends more time reading than interacting with classmates.

But I'm not worried. I think she'll continue to figure it all out.

This year, more than ever, I see the transition from girl to young woman looming on the horizon. Maia has started testing out some sassiness and eye rolling. Mostly, we find it entertaining, Maia included. I suppose I'll have to address her attitude if it gets worse, but for now, I appreciate her exploration and emerging independence.

Some of Maia's likes:
Books, dragons, Harry Potter, pancakes (yes, still), laughing, swimming, gymnastics, her sister (most of the time), and purses/accessories.

Some of Maia's dislikes:
Blood, most foods (including pizza and mac and cheese), and wearing a jacket to school. Honestly, she's a pretty easy kid.

Maia is hugely empathetic and kind. For now she says she wants to be a scientist and help preserve plants and animals. I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up doing that! I could also see her doing some kind of social justice work or as a civil servant.

It's a privilege to be her mom and be a part of her journey.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

Airport thoughts

I'm sitting in the airport during a three hour layover on my way to Washington state. I'm already missing my family, but also starting to feel myself unwind in the way that being removed from your everyday routine can encourage.

Since winter break ended, life has presented Aleks and I with some unexpected challenges. Nothing that is alarming or life shattering, but rather the kind of challenges that sit silently in the corner, biding their time to potentially impact our lives. Or not. Or change things completely. The irony of Lent and this season of life coinciding is not lost on me.

Fourteen and a half years of marriage is a huge advantage, however. Are we still as spontaneous and romantic as we once were? No. But being helpmates to each other in times of stress? Yeah, we know how to travel this road together.

On top of the weird emotional state hovering over our household for the last three months, I have a cd that is being released in April (if you haven't heard). Having never done this before, I didn't realize that this project would not end with last take of the recording session. It has been a wonderful, exciting process and full of decisions and revisions. Most recently, the production company with whom I'm working, has encouraged me to be proactive in the weeks leading up to the release by being more present and vocal on social media. Also, part of the push before the release involves me giving a series of concerts, which have been in the works for months. Former professors, colleagues, and current friends are hosting me at various venues, generously supporting me and album in this way.

I just bring this up, because I'm sure on social media, things may look pretty exciting. And they are. But here's a more realistic picture.

I gave a concert last Friday at a venue about an hour outside of Wichita. When people ask me how it went, I truthfully tell them it went well. I sang to the best of my ability and my pianist/friend and I made some really beautiful, interesting music. What I don't tell most of them is that there were 12 people in the audience, 3 of whom were my family. It was really discouraging.  And even though it wasn't my fault, caused me to feel like a failure.

The next day I was decidedly "blue," but thankfully it was one of those rare Wichita days in which the temperature was perfect AND there was no wind so the girls and I rode our bikes to the park. Sun and movement always lift my spirits.

And there's so much to learn from my kids.

Ruby is incredibly adept at acknowledging the good things in her life. When I rub her back or massage her head, she'll often look up at me and say "that feels good." Or if we're playing a game or building a fort, she'll pause to let me know she's having fun. I want to do more of this in my own life.

Maia lives so utterly in the moment she'll forget what she's saying mid-sentence because she's been distracted by the last piece of popcorn which she has accidentally dropped onto the floor and our dog scrambles to devour. Her room is a gallery of unfinished creative projects (rainbow loom necklaces) amidst piles of books (which she is reading all at once, small ripped pieces of paper serving as bookmarks) adorned with one or more planned outfits for picture day (having been laid out weeks in advance). Her life is so fun and interesting.

I want to live more in the moment. Certainly, there are seasons of life that require thinking ahead and planning. I am currently experiencing an intense period of living in the future. The inside of my brain is like an olympic table tennis match; the balls moving back and forth between tasks and lists almost faster than the human eye can see.

I've been thinking recently about contentment (and happiness? same thing?) and that it might lie in the present. Understanding my place and role in the universe and not looking ahead for more or behind at what has happened helps provide satisfaction with my life.

Since the beginning of February I've been participating in the phenomena that is the Crossfit Open. Basically it's 5 workouts that are announced once a week for 5 weeks and people all over the world do the same workout and post their scores with hopes to advance to the regional games.
(I'm just doing the workouts as part of a internal gym competition, I'm not actually competing in the Open proper.) I did the fourth workout (18.4) on Saturday and currently, the entire area from my lower back to the backs of my knees throbs anytime I lean over. And while its terribly painful and inconvenient, strangely, it makes me happy. Not because I like the pain, but rather what that pain represents. It reminds me that I did a really hard thing and it didn't defeat me.

Which makes me think, could this be a larger metaphor for life? Stress, anxiety, low-self worth. What can those things tell me? Maybe that I'm doing something about which I care very deeply? That this period of uncertainty is helping me find contentment?

As I always tell my students, we often don't learn and grow as fully when things come easily.

Are you still reading? I should send you a signed CD. :)

My flight's boarding in a bit.

Peace to you, my friends.

My crazy family

It was one of those weekends, in which I had to work Saturday (not typical) and Sunday (typical). Thankfully our family was able to connect at dinner Saturday night and I caught up on the events of the day.

There are so very many reasons why I love my husband. One of them is that he likes to grocery shop and assumes that responsibility most Saturdays. We usually sit down on Friday night or early Saturday morning, plan the menu for the week, and create our shopping list. We've been doing this for 8 years and it has saved us so much time and money. In an attempt to be the most efficient with our budget, he ends up going to 3 different grocery stores. Aleks has the routine down to a science and it usually takes about 2 hours to get it all done. Without kids, that is.

This weekend, Aleks had to take the girls with him, which everyone dreads. To give them an incentive, he usually promises them a Costco treat if they are helpful. And sometimes, it means making things interesting during travel time.

Ruby started the story.

In the car between grocery stores, Aleks told them they could cuss, just this once, and he wouldn't get mad.

Ruby's eyes lit up as she remembered the event: "Do you know what he said?! The F-U word!"

Then Aleks chimes in "so, Ruby, what did you say?"

"The F-U word" she says with a little grin on her face.

But apparently, they couldn't pressure Maia into cussing. She just wouldn't do it.

And at that moment, as we're finishing out last bites of chicken, she points an accusing finger around the table and says "YEAH, because I'm the only Christian here!"

Aleks and I just about died from laughter. I love being a part of this family.

Today Maia and I talked some more about that whole event. I didn't talk with her about the fact that "sin is sin" and cussing once in awhile is just as bad as not always demonstrating loving behavior towards her sister and maybe I should have gone there, but instead I chose to focus on the fact that I love her strong morals and that she needs to be careful that she doesn't judge other people who are different.

"Ruby and I aren't different," she told me, "I just have very strong opinions about saying bad words."

And those strong opinions are one of the very things I love most about her.

You might think her strong convictions and inclinations toward faith come from living in such a conservative, evangelical part of the country. However, Aleks and I certainly don't reinforce those cultural influences and the church we attend is one of the rare non-judge-y communities in this area. Instead, it's just who she is. I suppose it's built into her DNA. (And maybe, just maybe her mom might have been like that when she was younger. Maybe.)

Monday is my day off. It's a day for me to catch up on housework and paperwork and loose ends at work. It's a day that I don't have to put on makeup. The girls don't have school today, so we're using it as a time for us to reconnect as well. Lots of Lego playing and a trip to the trampoline park while I try to catch up best I can. Maybe we'll watch some Olympics later.

These days I'm particularly aware of how grown my children have become and how different our lives look compared to our first years here in Wichita. The wind still keeps us up at night and we still can't grocery shop at Trader Joe's, but things are comfortable and easy here in the middle.

A substituting adventure

I initially thought that on my days off (which happen to be during the week because my independently contracted life doesn't include a typical 9-5 job) I could help out by substituting in my kids' classrooms. I volunteer once a week already and the kids know me, so it would be a pretty easy transition for them and myself.

I casually looked into the process and forgot about it for awhile because there were like a thousand steps involved in applying. Then, sometime between Nov. and Dec., when I'm especially burned out and questioning my career choices, I looked into it again. And I emailed the district office with some questions. Which they answered and said "We have one of our mandatory meetings in two days. I know you're haven't finished applying, but if you came, we could at least cross that off our list."

And because I'm the type of person who must finish something with steadfast determination once it's started, completed the application process in a matter of hours.

A few days after the district meeting I received a call from the substitute coordinator who was looking for a long term music sub for an elementary teacher headed to maternity leave. My paperwork was 2 weeks into process at the state level and I hadn't officially been hired yet. Provided my fingerprints went through and the State of Kansas granted me an emergency sub license, I agreed to take the job.

My paperwork went through in record time and on Jan. 9 I found myself in the classroom, looking at a group of 4th graders with recorders in hand.

The past month has been surreal. All 3 of my degrees are in music performance and technically, I've had zero classroom training. However, I have been teaching privately for 17 years so while I was in new territory, it also felt like I've been teaching elementary music my whole life.

I had no idea if I would enjoy this job. It's so different from one on one work I do with high school and college kids. It all felt a little reckless.

As it turns out, it was a wonderful experience and I enjoyed it more than I anticipated. Here are some things I learned:

1. All the teacher memes on the internet are true. Especially the ones about not having time to go to the bathroom. Of course everyone is all "be careful of your voice" and "be sure you're practicing vocal health" and I'm all "Yes! I'll drink lots of water as part of my vocal health regime!" and then I'm almost peeing my pants during 1st grade rhythm work because I haven't had time to visit the restroom.

2. Elementary school is where kids learn how to navigate the world, but at low stakes. I can't tell you how many times I told classes that one of the most important things they can learn, right now, is to keep your hands to yourself, don't touch things that don't belong to you, and only worry about yourself; make sure you are doing the right thing even when no one is looking. There were also a few conversations about empathy with the 5th graders. Maybe they all heard "wah-wah-wah" (sad trombone sound), but maybe those ideas stuck with one or two kiddos.

3. Technology is a huge part of the classroom these days. There are smart boards and flip grids and endless online resources. Honestly, this was the part of subbing that made me the most nervous. Thankfully most of the technology is pretty intuitive and the kids know how to use it just as well as the adults. And they LOVE helping. There was one day that my promethean board wasn't working and so I had to scramble to make new lessons plans, but it all worked out.

4. There is something refreshing about the intense, honest display of emotions from younger kids. So a student doesn't get a turn when they wanted and they start crying; the next time they are all smiles and eager to participate. Their emotions are intense and come and go quickly. It's a refreshing change from the sometimes complicated and angsty dealings with adolescents.

5. Teachers are angels here on earth. I've always known this, but working in the school system, on the front lines with amazing men and women who have a passion for kids and education, just solidified this belief. Seriously, these people who are instructing our kids are teaching them so much more than reading and writing and arithmetic. It's a hard, tiring job and I'm so grateful for you who chose to make it your life's work.

I'm very grateful for my time in the classroom. It has taught me about myself and the community in which I live. So many good things.

Now, it's time to focus on my other teaching and the upcoming release of my album; SHE. Never a dull moment!