Is it spring yet?

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something, not really like the edge of a mountain, but more like the edge of a new era.

There's a shift in our family's rhythm and I'm not quite sitting in the pocket.

Well, actually there are lots of little things this week that have caused a sort of unrest in the pit of my stomach.

Nothing blatantly terrible, just sprouts of things that I think will die away in this lingering winter cold, but on the off chance that they continue to grow, will need to be pruned immediately.

And all the while worrying that those little sprouts don't damage the rest of the soil or the other beautiful, fragile lives that are growing.

I sense a change in Maia too. She's quickly approaching 5 and in the past month or so, I see her asserting independence, trying out new kinds of humor, pushing buttons, and becoming volatile when things don't go her way.

Maia, it's time to be done with the iPad.

NO! followed by a smack to the innocent electronic device, crying, and then finally YOU'RE A MEANIE punctuated by the slam of her bedroom door.

It's so unlike the sweet natured 4 year old I know.

Will it pass on it's own or does it need more immediate, intense attention?

Leave it alone or get involved?

Of course there are consequences for her actions, but I'm more concerned with her developing character. 

Is this an isolated incident, or am I starting to see a pattern?

I'm on constant guard, trying to be sure that I'm providing the richest soil for my two little flowers.

I feel weary. Every other phrase seems to be "we need to talk to others with kindness and love" (to Maia), interspersed with "that's not how we communicate, you need to use your big girl words" (to Ruby).

And yet, yesterday I was able to finish sewing a baby gift while the girls played on their own, even nicely, for the most part.

So, it's not all bad.

Especially when they sing and act out the soundtrack to Frozen.

Growing pains.

It's the parents who feel it most deeply, I'm discovering.

And then today Maia had a swim lesson. 

At the end her teacher had Maia working on flipping from her back to the front and then swimming to the side.

Maia was only 4 feet from the secure, solid wall and I watched as she turned over, the panic that filled her eyes. And the sweet little gasps of air and the cry she made when she thought she wasn't going to make it and then with a fiery determination she kicked and did big arms extra hard and she made it! 

She looked over to me and I choked back my sobs because she had just done something really brave and beautiful and I smiled as big as I could and the light that beamed from her face warmed me to the core.

The whole time her teacher had been there, ready to step in if needed. The security was there, but the fear so real. 

But sometimes we need that trial by fire. Sometimes the only way we can learn is when things get uneasy or completely out of control.

How else can we know what we're capable of?

So while I try to calm my uneasiness and settle into this new rhythm that has settled over the house, I've decided that I need more books and candles and hot baths in my life during this season.

Also, I stopped drinking coffee on Sunday. Do you think that might be contributing to why I'm feeling "off?"