Is it spring yet?

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something, not really like the edge of a mountain, but more like the edge of a new era.

There's a shift in our family's rhythm and I'm not quite sitting in the pocket.

Well, actually there are lots of little things this week that have caused a sort of unrest in the pit of my stomach.

Nothing blatantly terrible, just sprouts of things that I think will die away in this lingering winter cold, but on the off chance that they continue to grow, will need to be pruned immediately.

And all the while worrying that those little sprouts don't damage the rest of the soil or the other beautiful, fragile lives that are growing.

I sense a change in Maia too. She's quickly approaching 5 and in the past month or so, I see her asserting independence, trying out new kinds of humor, pushing buttons, and becoming volatile when things don't go her way.

Maia, it's time to be done with the iPad.

NO! followed by a smack to the innocent electronic device, crying, and then finally YOU'RE A MEANIE punctuated by the slam of her bedroom door.

It's so unlike the sweet natured 4 year old I know.

Will it pass on it's own or does it need more immediate, intense attention?

Leave it alone or get involved?

Of course there are consequences for her actions, but I'm more concerned with her developing character. 

Is this an isolated incident, or am I starting to see a pattern?

I'm on constant guard, trying to be sure that I'm providing the richest soil for my two little flowers.

I feel weary. Every other phrase seems to be "we need to talk to others with kindness and love" (to Maia), interspersed with "that's not how we communicate, you need to use your big girl words" (to Ruby).

And yet, yesterday I was able to finish sewing a baby gift while the girls played on their own, even nicely, for the most part.

So, it's not all bad.

Especially when they sing and act out the soundtrack to Frozen.

Growing pains.

It's the parents who feel it most deeply, I'm discovering.

And then today Maia had a swim lesson. 

At the end her teacher had Maia working on flipping from her back to the front and then swimming to the side.

Maia was only 4 feet from the secure, solid wall and I watched as she turned over, the panic that filled her eyes. And the sweet little gasps of air and the cry she made when she thought she wasn't going to make it and then with a fiery determination she kicked and did big arms extra hard and she made it! 

She looked over to me and I choked back my sobs because she had just done something really brave and beautiful and I smiled as big as I could and the light that beamed from her face warmed me to the core.

The whole time her teacher had been there, ready to step in if needed. The security was there, but the fear so real. 

But sometimes we need that trial by fire. Sometimes the only way we can learn is when things get uneasy or completely out of control.

How else can we know what we're capable of?

So while I try to calm my uneasiness and settle into this new rhythm that has settled over the house, I've decided that I need more books and candles and hot baths in my life during this season.

Also, I stopped drinking coffee on Sunday. Do you think that might be contributing to why I'm feeling "off?"

The father of my children

Sometimes it just smacks me in the face.

This morning Aleks took the girls upstairs to get dressed and ready for the day, while I finished my coffee and read a blog.

Before which, he had fixed breakfast for the kids and prepped tonight's meat in the sous vide as I came in the door from my workout.

Pretty great huh?

As the gang trouped up stairs, there was a bit of a scuffle and I heard Aleks say:

Girls come here. Come here please. Ruby please come here.

Listen, this is a handrail and it's only for holding onto. We don't pull on it. You know why? See this little screw? That the only thing that holds it to the wall and if we pull on it, it could break.

Well, hello.

Smacked right upside the head.

What patience and loving correction. And teaching too.

I can just imagine, if Aleks was a different man, how he could have snapped at the girls, without explaining why they shouldn't pull on the handrail, or worse yet, given them a smack.

Instead he chose to be kind and patient and gracious.

The other day Maia was being a dog as we were getting ready for bed. It had been a somewhat chilly day and we were all figuring out what pajamas the girls were going to wear.

Maia said that since she was a dog and dogs didn't wear clothes, she was going to sleep naked.

By bedtime, I'm lucky if I've got any patience left and I wasn't in the mood for persuading anyone to do anything much less reason with a dog.

Aleks joined us and easy as pie said:

You know Maia, there are really small dogs that sometimes wear clothes, like shirts. Could I get you a shirt doggy?

To which Maia responded, "sure!"

I didn't know what kind of father Aleks would be when I married him. I did know that I could be myself when I was with him and that I greatly admired and appreciated his patience.

Those same qualities have translated into his parenting and not only does it make my job as a parent easier, my girls are thriving from having such a loving male figure in their lives.

Just thought I'd let the world know how much I appreciate him!

The Chatter: Gems from the past couple of months

It's been awhile since I've done an edition of The Chatter.

I've been trying to jot down a few of the best conversations I've had with the girls recently...

Ruby: Your belly looks like it has a baby in it. But it's just your tights, right?

{thanks Ruby…}

We gave the girls some mini marshmallows after dinner one day. Maia was really upset because she only got 4 and she wanted 5 because she's going to be 5 soon. With a certain amount of vengeance, she muttered under her breath "I know, I'll just break the curse."

One morning Maia came into our room at 6, waking me up by saying, "I don't want to die. Bitty Baby and Teddy won't have anyone to look out for them."

I moved over to pull her into bed and said something like "Oh honey, don't worry about it, you won't die for a long time," but she squirmed away and headed back to her room.

About a half hour later as we were starting to get breakfast, she told me "I think they'll [Bitty Baby and Teddy] get married so I don't need to worry about it."

Then the other night as Ruby was getting tucked into bed we had the following conversation:

Ruby: People make bad decisions when they're stressed, right?

Me: Who told you that?

Ruby: Right?

Me: Right. Who told you that?

Ruby: You did.

I had no memory of telling her that, but it felt really familiar, like maybe I did say it at some point. I mean, it kind of sounds like something I would say.

Then today we were watching "Fixer Upper" from Frozen and it all clicked into place. Start paying attention around the 2 minute mark.

(On a semi-related note, I can't wait until this movie comes out! The girls and I are dying to see it in its entirety.)

Kindergarten

We're entering a season of change.

It's something I'm familiar with, yet still makes me uncomfortable. The kind of uncomfortable that slowly gnaws at you, manifesting itself in irritability and sensitivity.

When Maia turned 3, all of the people we knew here in Wichita were making plans to send their kids to preschool.

I had never really given a lot of thought to pre-kindergarten schooling.

I didn't go to preschool, but Aleks did.

In the almost 5 years (!) that Aleks and I have been parents, we've figured out ways that both of us can work with needing only minimal outside childcare.

Because I get to be a stay at home mom 70% of the time, we wanted to be sure that if we sent Maia to preschool, it would be better than what she was getting at home (which is pretty awesome).

We wanted more than day care.

For us, here in Kansas, that meant a really wonderful, highly rated private school.

So at 3 1/2 years old, Maia started preschool and has loved every single minute.

August 2012

Aleks and I have always had a few reservations about private school. He was a Montessori kid until middle school, when he transitioned into public school and I was a public school kid all the way.

My family was never in a financial position to send me to private school, but they opted to "school" me rather than homeschool. I don't know if they would have put me in private school had money not been an issue, I'm guessing not.

Our reservations with private school have mainly been with the social aspect.

While private schools often provide smaller classroom sizes and many valuable opportunities, they also seem to present an unrealistic view of what society looks like.

Aleks and I really want our children to function healthfully in the world with many different kinds of people from all different socioeconomic and racial backgrounds because in my experience, that's what real life looks like.

August 2013

Which is not to say that students who attend private schools cannot relate or have empathy for those who are different than themselves.

And private school is an excellent option for many people.

When we moved to Kansas, we picked the house we did because it's in a good school district. We knew that private school tuition would not be something we could afford long term and so now we live in the suburbs and have a considerable commute to work.

I must admit that we are envious of our childless friends who can live in areas that have tree-lined streets, houses full of character, and a 10 minute drive to work.

If only those neighborhoods had great schools!

A few weeks ago I called the elementary school in our district to get Maia on the list for kindergarten and- there's that gnawing feeling.

Especially since Maia is my first, everything is uncharted territory.

Collegiate has been such a wonderful place for Maia to start her school experience. The teachers are amazing, highly qualified, and completely invested in the students and their families. The classes are small, the communication is wonderful, and she's learning.

The other day I was laying with Maia to help her nap and as I was dozing off, I had a realization.

The thing that I'm nervous about, is the very reason we are sending Maia to public school.

I'm worried that she will get lost in the shuffle, that her teachers won't know how special she is, and that she won't reach her full potential if she isn't afforded special opportunities.

Isn't that what we all want for ourselves even?

To be appreciated for who we are and to be accomplished?

I'd like her to grow up in an environment in which she learns to stand out on her own, to find her voice and how to use it.

Although it certainly plays a part, school isn't going to give my child those things.

I do know that Maia is going to thrive and touch the lives of those around her wherever she is.

So, we'll do the best we can, letting go of what we cannot control and learning that the discomfort change brings, while difficult, is the prelude to possibility and experience.

I'll continue to be involved in my sweet Maia's life and hopefully help her find opportunities that will continue to make her an educated, well-rounded, compassionate member of society.

And if she gets a full ride to college along the way, that'd be great too.

Snow Day

Last night WSU cancelled classes for today and Maia's school wasn't too far behind.

It was supposed to start snowing at 2 am and dump 6 inches throughout the day.

At 5 am the ground was clear and I thought for sure Wichita had overreacted.

Just 2 hours later we had accumulated at least an inch and a half.

So of course a snow day calls for pancakes.

You can't tell, but they're purple pancakes.

At first I didn't put enough red in and they looked like swamp water and Ruby said "I'm not going to eat those," but then I added more red and they looked acceptable to everyone.

Maia was sad to miss school, so I said we could do our own version today.

We started with activity centers.

Maia pretended to be her best friend Reese and Ruby pretended to be Maia.

I, of course, was Mrs. Burcham.

On Tuesdays Maia has music and gym.

Today in music class we talked about wind, percussion, and string instruments.

I was Mr. Elmore.

Then we sang a song that my mom taught us the last time she was here.

Next we headed to gym class.

Maia wanted to go to library too.

Mrs. Mattix (me again!) read them 2 books, so they got to put 2 stickers on the wall.

(Honestly, doing this today was great, I got more details about school than I usually do.)

After lunch and nap, I gave in to the girls' pleas and we headed outside.

They lasted for almost an hour while I got half of the driveway shoveled.

By the time they wanted to go inside, they were soaking wet and freezing.

I guess I'm still a California girl at heart, I haven't given in and bought proper winter attire.

It was a super full, fun day.

I'm exhausted.

But guess what?

We get to do it again tomorrow during SNOW DAY #2!