Hard work and results

*This post is kind of a mess. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want to say and how to say it best. I'm not sure I've been successful. If you want the point without any rambling, head to the bottom of this post for a concise thesis.*

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This week, post half marathon, has been interesting.

I've vacillated between disappointment/embarrassment in my race time and satisfaction in accomplishing something so difficult.

It's silly to feel anything but contentment and pride.

But there's that nagging, lingering, yucky part of me that likes to compare whatever I do to the rest of the world.

See how I measure up.

And the ugliest part of it all is that it affects how I value myself.

Gross.

This flaw is what kept me from joining a running group. I was worried that I would start to compare myself with faster runners and give up.

Ironically, not having support during the race proved detrimental.

This week as I've been processing my race experience, I was also preparing for last night; 

I sang the soprano solos in Mozart's Requiem with the WSU Choirs and Symphony Orchestra.

Let me tell you, I had the best seat in the house.

There's nothing like the physical vibration of sound waves hitting you in the back of the head during the Dies Irae. 

Our school's students did a beautiful job with this masterpiece.

At our first rehearsal with the orchestra, I was overcome with thankfulness that my life is full of so many different, wonderful opportunities.

And it brought some clarity.

8 years ago I "officially" became a singer. I walked that line of pianist/singer for awhile after that, but today, 8 years later I feel legit.

To find peace and enjoyment in this role, I've had to learn to silence those judgmental voices of comparison that run rampant in almost every performer I know.

It's been necessary to find a balance between comparing myself to my peers and having the confidence that what I'm offering is amazing.

(Does that word "amazing" sound pretentious? I'll admit, it's hard to write, but I believe a performer has got to feel that way in the very depths of their soul if they are going to stand up and face an audience).

Preparing for a running event and singing performance are similar in many ways.

1. You think about what you're going to wear. Running requires comfort and chafing worries, while singing involves more bra strap visibility and hair worries. Funnily enough, footwear is equally important.

2. Nutrition. Limited caffeine and sugar. No alcohol. Easily digested food.

3. Physical stamina. Training runs and practice sessions are so important to knowing how your body will respond to the stress of the event.

4. Mental stamina. This is something I am more familiar with as a musician than an athlete, but I've had a lifetime of performing from which to draw experience.

For me, both things require a lot of work.

As a singer, that hard work has afforded me really wonderful opportunities.

But in running, my hard work just barely keeps me from being the last one to cross the finish line.

In all honesty, it's difficult for me to work really hard at something and still be in the bottom percentage.

But, there's something in that comparison between myself and the world that spurs me on toward progress.

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't already thought about doing another 1/2 marathon. Or that I'm not already thinking of how to train better.

I guess what I've come to realize this week is this:

I need to find contentment in the work, not in the result that work brings.

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What I've been trying to say with all that rambling is this:

I'm better at singing than I am at running.

When it comes to running, I have to work really hard to be mediocre at best.

And I'm learning that it's ok to work hard at something and not be really good at it. I'm learning that there is value in the process too.