SHE

Every since I was a little girl, I can remember wanting to be a mom.

Throughout high school I made most of my money babysitting and would spend time volunteering in the church nursery, VBS, and as a counselor for outdoor ed. In college, the discipline and practice time required for a music major became my focus, but I never lost my desire for a family.

When Aleks and I decided to have kids of our own, I knew raising children would be one of the most creative things I would ever accomplish.

And even though we're told otherwise, we can't really have it all. Or maybe we can have it all, but very rarely can we have it all at the same time.

As a performance major, I was shown a common path for aspiring singers. This path includes many years and dollars put into auditions, summer festivals, young artist programs, resident artist gigs, and if you're lucky, finally a career of principal roles in a large opera houses.

When I had children, I knew that my journey as a performer wouldn't follow that protocol. It was a choice that I willingly made and one that has brought me peace and contentment. Consequently, each audition and possibility is weighted against the cost to my family and role as mother and wife. This has led me to take far less auditions than many of my contemporaries, which in turn has limited my performing opportunities.

As fulfilled as I am by being a mother, I was first an artist and still have a deep desire to create. Recently, I've decided to take an opportunity to advance my career that comes at a low cost (with regards to time) to my family.

So here's the exciting news:

I've signed a recording contract with PARMA productions to release an album in March 2018!

Releasing a CD has been a dream of mine for a long time. Even more specifically, I've wanted to record and release one of these works ever since I first performed it during my graduate work, 10 years ago.

This summer, I will be recording Jake Heggie's Eve-Song and Ricky Ian Gordon's Too Few the Mornings Be in collaboration with my friend and pianist Amanda Pfenninger. Both works are near and dear to my heart. I am drawn to the feminist texts by Philip Littell in Eve-Song, which tell the Adam and Eve story from Eve's perspective. In Too Few the Mornings Be, Ricky Ian Gordon has brought to life, eleven poems by Emily Dickinson, conveying a narrative of hope throughout the work.

I am beyond thrilled to team up with PARMA productions for this project. They are a company that supports contemporary music and makes it their mission to create quality recordings that will stand the test of time. As a result of my contract with PARMA, they will be a part of the recording process, post-production work, manufacturing of the physical product, and marketing of the finished album.

This is a large investment of money, but one that I am excited to make. Not only am I looking forward to advancing my career by making a mark as a singer and advocate for contemporary American art music, but also as a way to contribute to the existing cannon of recorded contemporary classical vocal music.

As a way to help make this project a reality, I've launched a Kickstarter campaign to help fundraise a portion of the costs. The funds raised through this Kickstarter will directly help to cover the costs of my recording session including the hall rental, recording engineer, producer, pianist, and piano tuning.

I'm extremely excited about this investment I'm making in myself and career, and now, I'd like to ask you to consider being a part of this project as well.

Donating to the creation of this album is a tangible way to help support the arts. There are not a lot of grants available for projects like this. Many of the existing grants require an affiliation with a university or a school. Many other artists raising money for projects like this, might turn to city or state arts councils. Kansas is one of the few states that does not have an arts council. The city of Wichita does have an arts council, but they don't fund projects like this.

So, this is where you, Support of the Arts, can step forward and make a difference in the life of an artist. This is what supporting the arts can look like at a very personal level. Would you consider investing in this project, and me, and help reach my goal of $5000? 

You can visit this link below to donate.


There are some fun incentives at different donation levels, so please give the site a look.

Even if you can't contribute money, sharing this link with your friends and family on Facebook or email is wonderfully helpful as well.

SHE will be released March 2018.

I'm beyond excited to share it with you all.

The Ides of April?

It’s that time of year. Maia’s backpack is breaking. Sometimes the zipper misses teeth when closed and she gets off the bus with large Harry Potter books dangling precariously from her back.

Ruby’s sneakers (which we bought in late winter) have holes and I’ve replaced the laces, trying to delay buying new ones right before flip flop season. Also her pant collection is dwindling. We’ve had to throw away several pairs due to large holes in the knees and some have just gotten too small. And because she is extremely opinionated about how clothes feel and fit her body, I think she's worn the same pair of pants to school 3 days in a row.

The house is in desperate need of cleaning. I keep doing spots here and there in areas that my students and company might see. But in reality, everything is just on the verge of total disarray.

May is so close. I think I can, I think I can...

The girls are tired too. I’ve tried to figure out some summer camps they might enjoy, but they are so burned out, I keep getting “Nah.” I think we all just want to stay in our pajamas until we’re ready to go to the pool.

And my students. Oh man, they're a mess. Prom might just have been the tipping point. 

This season has been challenging, as happens now and again. With the onset of exciting opportunities, inevitably so comes insecurity as change looms on the horizon.

And yet, in the midst of stress and feeling overwhelmed, moments of gratitude make themselves known.

A toothless 6 year old who demonstrates increasing maturity almost daily.

My cartwheeling 8 year old whom, after showing off her cartwheels, tells people that she is “self-taught.”

My darling husband who said to me, “Man, I just feel like you’re constantly doing things to make my life easier.”

The successes of my students including; show contracts, acceptations into BFA college programs at respected universities, cruise ship contracts, award nominations, and many more accolades.

And personally, I have some really exciting projects and performances happening in my life, one of which will require help from you! I’ll share the details soon.

One of my students, who is a freshman in high school, said "Is the hardest thing about growing up, figuring out who you are?"

Why yes. I think it just might be.

And so, I continue marching toward May, head held high, while dragging my exhausted body, chaotic house, and precocious children behind me, hoping to see my husband one of these days.

And as always, trying to put grace before ego.

My eight year old

My oldest child is now 8.

It's actually a scientific mystery. We should be studied and written about in the top medical journals.

You see, my daughter keeps getting older, but I've stayed the same age since she was born.

Weird, right?

Maia is at that tender age where she is flirting with maturity and self-realization, yet still demonstrates bits of that beautiful oblivion childhood offers.

It's hard to remember what a difficult baby she was for the first 9 months of her life because now Maia is wonderfully pleasant and easy going.

A few weeks ago at dinner Maia asked, "What if Ruby and I were the first scientists in the family?" Aleks and I exchanged looks and I exclaimed, "That would be wonderful! What do I need to do to help facilitate that?"

Maia shows intellectual curiosity, while demonstrating a strong moral and social ethic. She loves to read and often gets distracted from tasks by the book in hand. Much of her personality is like her father, but she gets the reading gene from me.

Maia is also still very creative. She can often be heard singing around the house, either songs from the radio or ones she's written herself. The other day she told us the title of her album: "A little kid, inspired by." She is still playing piano and I think she enjoys it. At any rate, she tolerates it with a co-operative attitude.

Maia is a wonderful friend and sister. Her relationship with Ruby is constantly evolving. Those two girls are different as can be, but I'm grateful that they have each other and can learn different communication styles. I see Maia developing a more of a backbone as she stands up to Ruby not infrequently. This, of course, cause some strife in the household, but with patient parenting we can usually help the girls resolve their conflicts.

Maia is playing basketball and finally seems to have found a sport that she's excited about. While athletics are not innately easy for her, Maia does not give up and is constantly improving.

My darling girl is such a steady force in our family. Her dependability balances out the eccentricities of her sister and the sometimes high stress schedules of her parents. Life without Maia would be a life without the sun.

I'm so grateful that not only do I love her, but I really like my darling firstborn.

Happy 8th birthday, dearest one.

Snapshot

Just as dinner was ready, Ruby and Maia were given a time out for fighting (a discipline they've perhaps outgrown, but the babyish-ness sometimes brings home the point rather nicely) and Ruby had started dinner in a bad mood. When the girls asked for dessert, my first mistake was pulling the marshmallows out the of bag instead of letting Ruby do it. In doing so, I withdrew 12 mini-marshmallows instead of the typical 10. I pointed this out to Ruby with hopes the extra 2 marshmallows would change her emotional course. It didn't quite go as I planned.

"Can I have 13?"

I swear when this kid sees the boundary, she is biologically wired to see if it will move. I said no, which was the momentum she needed to deliver a full blown tantrum. Having taught 14 lessons that day and in no mood to negotiate, I started clearing the dishes and went into the kitchen.

Aleks joined me shortly and over Ruby's cries, told me that she had looked him straight in the eye and stuffed all the marshmallows in her mouth while she continued to scream. We were laughing over the absurdity, when Ruby's cries changed from anger to panic. She ran into the kitchen with a mouth full of bloody marshmallows and a front tooth all askew.

"Spit those into my hand" I encouraged, as she hiccoughed back sobs. As I moved to wash my hands, Aleks grabbed a paper towel and pulled out her tooth causing the screaming to resume. Since the tooth was lost a bit prematurely, blood was slowly trickling out of her mouth. I handed Ruby another paper towel and she held it to her gums.

I pulled Ruby into a hug and felt her little body shake. Between the tantrum and trauma of the lost tooth, there had been a lot of chemicals firing through that little body. It took her a good 15 minutes to calm down. By the time we headed up to bed, she was exploring the new space in her mouth and speaking with an adorable little lisp.

Did I mention we keep the marshmallows in the freezer?

This kid challenges me like nothing else ever has. She is also such a light in my life. Her interpersonal meter is off the charts. She is immediately good at almost everything she tries. She has the best legs, muscular and long. She gives warm, firm hugs, is quick to make us laugh, and is extremely bright. She is also a lot like me.

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Things Maia has said to me this past week:

1. On Tuesday I was teaching at home and Maia had come in from playing outside. She walked from the kitchen and through the music room with her nose in a book. As she passed between the piano and my student, heading for the stairs, she said "Good day sir."

2. As I was folding laundry, Maia walked into the bedroom said, "Whacha doin'? I'm just groovin'" and walked out.

3. After her final basketball game yesterday Maia said, "There are 2 things we need to work on. 1) stealing the ball 2) passing the ball 3) getting rebounds."

4. The 2nd graders dissected a cow's eyeball last week. Maia was very stressed about the whole thing, but she did learn a lot about the eye. Her class has been talking about science and one night at dinner Maia said "What if Ruby and I are the first scientists in the family?" I immediately said "that would be amazing! What can I do to help you?" As much as I love my musical family, I think it would be wonderful to have a scientist in the mix.

I don't see Maia as much now that she's in school all day and then has her nose buried in a book when she gets home. She doesn't seem to need me as much as her sister. However, she is such a wonderfully weird and amazing child. It's hard to remember the colicky hell she put us through during the first 9 months of her life.

Maia is agreeable and kind. She is logical and matter-of-fact. She loves to read and is just beginning to say she's a tomboy. In fact the other day the girls were talking about makeup and Maia said, "I'm not a makeup girl. I'm more into sweating and basketball." Ruby immediately took offense and said "I wish I had a different sister. Maia doesn't like beautifulness!" The girls are still best friends and are continuing to learn how to respect and listen to each other.

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It's hard to write an update about Aleks. Our lives have been busy and full I feel like we haven't connected in awhile. We should plan a date night.

Honestly, recording our podcast has been a really great thing for our relationship. It's forced us to sit and focus just on the conversation at hand . I've really enjoyed the process and getting to know each other in a different way after 13 years of marriage.

We've got two more "What Makes?" episodes airing this season. Tomorrow's episode is "What Makes a Good Apology?" and I talk with a special guest. It's a great episode and I hope you can tune in. Our last episode is "What Makes Great Sex?" We've yet to record this last one; it's felt a little intimidating. I'm sure it will be funny. Or not. It may just be awkward. Why is sex so complicated?

You can check out our first season at www.whatmakespodcast.com.

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In the past 5 months, I can recall two separate times when I was so scared/nervous to try something new, I almost cried.

The first was getting into a handstand at a CrossFit workout. I wasn't sure if my arms were strong enough to hold up my body and was worried that I would fall onto my head and mess up my neck. I was kind of hemming and hawing and I looked my coach in the eye and "I have three gigs coming up in the next few weeks. Are you sure I can do this?" She said "yes, you can" and with that I was upside down against a wall.

The second happened this weekend when I went to my first dance call.  It wasn't pretty. Well, all the other young, flexible dancers who could do the combination in the correct order were beautiful, but what I did in my group of four was not exactly that. Some of my students kept saying, "but you had fun, right?" and actually no, it was not fun. It was terrifying.

Both those things felt risky. There was a certain element of physical danger in the first and a potential damage to my pride and reputation in the second.

What I've learned from doing new, scary things is that it is an important and necessary step in self improvement. By putting myself in situations where I am massively uncomfortable, I have made dramatic investments in my ability to empathize.

I wish the moral of my stories were: do something scary and succeed immediately!

However, I'm still scaling my handstand with head cushions. My arms still wobble and I support more of my body weight on my head than I probably should. I don't think I'll see any immediate casting results from the audition I took this weekend.

What I have gained however, is the knowledge that I can do scary things. As I get older I realized several things:

1. The doing of whatever it is you are attempting is 80% of the journey.
2. Allowing myself to take risks gets harder each year.
3. Surrounding myself with a loving, gracious tribe has become incredibly important. My CrossFit family is always encouraging and excited for each other and any small steps forward. I was overwhelmed this weekend by the support of my friends and students who, after watching my Instagram story, sent me texts and messages of support.

I'll leave you with one last thought:
I truly believe that vulnerability creates bridges between people. In my experience, coming from a place of vulnerability and authenticity has always been met with kindness and grace.

So, go out there and try new, scary things and know that we're all rooting for you to succeed!

A Typical Practice Session or Why I Don't Teach My Kids Piano

It usually takes a good amount of coaxing and perfect timing to get her to sit down at the piano with an attitude that is conducive to efficient practicing.

If she's tired, or hungry, or had a rough day at school, or I pour her milk into the yellow glass instead of the red one I might meet a resistance stronger than the Women's March.

My mistake today was asking her to wash her hands with soap after getting off the bus. There was no way I was going to let her touch my piano with those hands that have been at school all day. I volunteer once a week and see what those kids put in their mouths. Everything. And then they touch everything. I've been on the front lines. Or rather, helping at the center with sensory boxes; sight words are buried beneath grains of rice so the kids have to dig around to find the cards. Also known as the Germ Center. But I digress.

I finally get her to wash her hands, after she's locked herself in the bathroom, but comes running out because of the dead bug on the floor. It's that small distraction that snaps her out of resisting the hand washing and she even uses soap.

Once we get to the piano it begins immediately. But it's so hard! she whines. I take a deep breath and settle in. I tell her that it will be easier today because we've been working on this material for 3 days. I tell her I can help her in ways that will make it easier. I say, come on, we can do this, let's see if I can trick you with these note flashcards.

That bumps up her competitive spirit and she nails all 15 or so of the flashcards. I can't trick you! I exclaim.

We move on to her music and she's lounging on the bench, with her knees pushing at the keyboard, on the verge of rocking the bench onto its 2 back legs. I can address her posture, which might set off an explosion or ignore it and continue. I decide to ignore it. She's probably just trying to provoke me anyway. On this first piece, we've broken apart several phrases for the last three days and so we can now begin to play through the section in its entirety. Ok! So let's remember legato and dynamics! I enthusiastically encourage. I have to be careful. She can read through any saccharine tone, so I work to sound authentically positive.

She makes it through the first two lines, but the transition from 2 to 3 always confuses her. I ask her to try something that will help with the transition. She is now slumped over the keyboard, hair in her eyes, and feet resting on the pedals, so that the keys are slightly ringing when depressed. She does what I ask half heartedly, but she does it correctly! Awesome! I exclaim, now let's do that 3 more times!

The second time isn't quite right and the third time she intentionally uses a wrong finger. I'm not going to give in to the increasing tension in my brain (I swear this kid is going to give me a stroke). That's ok Ruby! I'm still upbeat, yet firm. Let's try it again, I know you can do it because you just did it! She tries one more time, it's not amazing, but it was generally correct and I let it slide.

We make it through the end of the piece, the part we've been working on a lot, and she nails it. I say, that was so good! See how it gets easier because we've been practicing?! I'm so proud of you!

We have two more songs to get through. Mercifully the second one is easier and she can play it pretty well right off the bat. The third one is long and hard and she knows it. I dig deep into my well of patience, which miraculously seems to get deeper the longer I parent. We somehow make it through; I lower my expectations and ignore a lot of eye rolls and sighs coming from her end.

When we're finally done I say something about how it seems like she's having a hard time looking ahead and is pausing a lot. Her arms are folded and she's kicking the pedals again while she whines, but it's hard!

As a private music instructor, I work with a lot of high school kids. I see a lot of personalities. There are some days that I am very aware of the important role of solid parenting. I'll be damned if I'm going to raise an entitled, lazy child. I just don't know if I'm doing it right. What's the parenting difference between the student who knows how to listen, be empathetic, and work at something even if it doesn't come easily the first time and the student who is vapid and apathetic?

It just feels like right now is a critical time. Maybe it's got to suck now, so it won't when the consequences are larger and more permanent? It just feels like I'm failing all the time. Like I'm shouting into the cold, brittle Kansas wind.

I respond to her whining with a lecture about how if we always say something is hard, then we will not enjoy it or get better. If I say, I hate tap dancing! I'm not good at it! Then I'll hate going to tap class and hate putting on my tap shoes and it won't be any fun. (I'm using hate, which is a bad word in our house with the hopes she'll know this is serious stuff) Guess what? I'm not good at tap, but I still go with an attitude of having fun and trying something new and I am getting better!

Her sister pipes up from the stairway, yeah! have a growth mindset!

I'm trying to positive and have a learning moment and I finish and look up and she's got the meanest look on her face and is rolling her eyes and I'm done. You know what, I say, I try really hard to be patient and helpful and even make this fun for you. This kind of attitude is not ok.

I say, no sticker on your practice chart today. I take a pencil and write in the box "practiced, but had a bad attitude." She stomps over to me, looks at the chart, and demands, I need an eraser. No ma'am I say and she storms up to her room.

But you know what, the practicing got done and I am done giving a shit.

I do other things for the next 15 minutes. I help her sister practice. I tidy up the kitchen.

Then I head upstairs. Her room is locked. I knock and wait a minute before using the little unlocking metal thingy that sits on top of her doorsill. The light is on and she is nowhere to be seen. I look around the bed and she is lying on the floor with a huge stuffed dog pulled over her face.

I sit down and place my hand on her leg. Can you tell me what you're feeling? I ask. Angry, comes the muffled reply. Why? Because I didn't get a sticker on my chart. Do you remember the rules about the chart? No. You get a sticker on your chart if you practice with a good attitude. Did you have a good attitude? I don't know. Do you think you could have been more polite? Yes. Well, you can't be mad at me, I was only following the rules. I stand and leave.

We have to be at a basketball game in 45 minutes. Getting her into the car could take that long. Or she might come willingly when asked. It's impossible to know which it will be today. I decide to take a risk and wait 15 minutes before starting to herd everyone outside.

Not even 10 minutes later I look up from my phone and she's standing next to me.

I'm sorry I threw a tantrum.

Oh Ruby I exclaim, I forgive you. I'm sorry I was impatient with you.

And just like that we have time for a snack and a book before we get in the car for Maia's game.

Probably 80% of the time I feel like I'm swimming in the ocean, not totally sure I'm headed in the correct direction. I don't suppose I'll ever know if I did it right. Check back in with me in 10 years and we'll see if anything has changed. Hopefully we'll see two empathetic, thoughtful, motivated young ladies. And maybe one mom who feels like she did something right.

Disney World 2017!

The benefit of visiting Florida in January, is that it isn't too hot or humid. The risk lies in the crazy weather you might encounter during your travel to paradise. The day we left for vacation, Atlanta received about 3 or 4 flakes of snow, which caused a huge mess with flights through ATL. Delta was fabulous with all the updates of our delayed flights and instead of landing at 8:30 pm, we fell into our beds just before 1 am.

We visited Disneyland two years ago and this was a much different trip. The girls appreciate the princess experience, but it was way less important this time around.

Bless the Disney princesses. Cinderella looks like she may be just about ready to hang up her tiara and return to civilian life.

And while Maia and Ruby's love of princesses is waning, their excitement and bravery for thrill rides has dramatically increased!

On our first day we had a FastPass for Splash Mountain. Little did we know that the temperature would hover in the low 30s. We took off our sweatshirts so that they would be dry. I got soaked and just had my light jacket to keep me warm for the rest of the day. I never thought I would be that cold in Florida. The things we do for our children...

Maia's face. Ruby's face.

We had a great experience. We stayed at a Disney Resort and used the dining plan and memory maker photo package. We didn't get FastPasses for all the "top" rides, but we were able to ride every ride that we wanted without too much waiting. The longest we waited was an hour, but on average our wait time was 30 minutes without a FastPass. With the dining plan we ate like kings and had tons of entitlements left over. We made sure to get our money's worth by dining at several of the upscale restaurants. This was my first time at Disney World and I hope it won't be our family's last. In 2 years Maia will be 9 and Ruby will be 8 and I think the whole family will be brave enough for all the rides.

Thank you Nana for a wonderful trip! We have so many wonderful memories from this past week.

What Makes...

I'm writing this from our Disney World hotel room as I slowly defrost from our day at the Magic Kingdom. Apparently we arrived on the one cold weekend of the year, but thankfully it should warm up over the next few days. The girls are 6 & 7 and it's the perfect age for a trip like this. They are both tall enough and brave enough to do roller coasters and we are having a blast.

However, I'm not writing tonight to tell you about our vacation. I want to tell you about something I'm really excited about and have been for the past few months. Actually, this project has been in the works since July.

Aleks and I have been recording a podcast and our first episode will be available tomorrow!

The podcast is called What Makes and in it Aleks and I explore what makes various things in the world and our lives. The first episode is "What Makes a Good Joke?" Each episode varies in length and will be released each Monday. Our first season consists of 10 episodes.

There are a couple of ways that you can listen to our podcast.

1. Visit our podcast's blog at www.whatmakespodcast.com on your computer and/or mobile device and find each episode embedded in the blog.

2. Go to iTunes and subscribe to What Makes. Each new episode will then download onto your podcast app on your smart phone.

This is all very homegrown and amateur, but Aleks and I have had fun and I think we have some interesting conversations. We aren't experts on anything and would love your feedback on what we discuss.

So. Tomorrow at 5:00 PM CST the What Makes podcast will drop its first episode. In the meantime, feel free to visit our website so you know where to go tomorrow to listen.