Have any of you been listening to the Podcast Serial? I am hooked.
I don't think Adnan did it, but I do think he's somehow involved.
In my experience I've found that things are rarely black and white, life is colored with shades of gray.
As I tell yesterday's story, keep in mind that I went on a Serial binge earlier this week...
I was pulling out of the garage to take the girls to school and I caught this out of the corner of my eye:
What does that look like to you?
To me, it looks like "bitch" scribbled out.
I was in a fog throughout the car line. Maybe I saw it wrong. Was it in blue or pink chalk? Why didn't I see it when I brought in the recycling bin earlier that morning? Did Aleks see it when he took the bins out before work? How am I going to handle this?
The Backstory:
Maia is now going to public school and rides the bus two days a week. One of the best things about public school, in my opinion, is we are now much more connected to our community and neighbors. When Maia rides the bus to school, there are only 3 other kids on the bus, who are also in her class. Coming home is a different story. She's smooshed in there with kids from all grades, including our neighbor, who is a second grader, who I'll call Evelyn.
A few months ago Maia discovered that she could trot across the street, ring Evelyn's doorbell, and have an instant playdate. No waiting for a mom to set it up, no driving to get there. Also, she gets to experience relative independence since Aleks and I have felt comfortable staying inside while they play. We usually keep the playdates short, only 20 minutes or so, since the time between school and dinner is short and the sun sets early now.
There is another second grader in our neighborhood, whom I'll call Hannah, who is best friends with Evelyn and we often see all four girls playing together outside when the weather is nice.
On Saturday the girls had a pretty epic playdate. I cleaned both cars and the weather was gorgeous so they got to play for several hours. During that time they had a picnic in our playhouse, rode scooters, and played soccer. They also did some pretty magnificent chalk art all over Evelyn's driveway. The art consisted of portraits of each girl with long, curly hair. There are a few stray, half finished portraits in our driveway, but I think they must have moved on to a different game before they were completed.
Evelyn is only two years older than Maia, but wow, there is a lot of life experience that happens between kindergarten and second grade. One time Evelyn couldn't play because she was grounded. Apparently she had said a swear word on the bus. At lunch on the day of the epic playdate, Maia asked me at one point what "this means" and proceeded with much difficulty to lift her middle finger and hold it there. I immediately asked "who showed you that?" "Evelyn." I decided to be honest with my five year old.
I said, "What does it mean? Well, I'll tell you, but it's the most awful thing you could ever say to anyone and it would break my heart if you ever said it." Both my girls nodded with wide eyes and vowed never to break my heart. I said, "Are you ready? It means fuck you."
Yup, I totally dropped the f-bomb in front of my kids. Since they have no idea what that means or have any context for a cuss word like that, they weren't too impressed. I suppose I could have been more specific with a definition for fuck, but their attention shifted pretty quickly.
Coincidentally, around that same time Maia asked Aleks what fuck meant and that Tyler had told her at school. Now, that sounds like something Tyler would do, but it could also be that she was repeating what I said and was testing out the waters with Aleks. Funnily enough he said the same thing I did, that it's a terrible word and that it would break his heart if she ever used it.
Maia likes to know things. She likes to collect all the facts and then thinks things through and is really happy when they all make sense. If they don't makes sense, she figures out a way to connect all the dots. I suggested to Aleks that maybe we should just tell Maia all the bad words and then she'll know them and can stop collecting them and that will be that. Then I started to list all the bad words I could think of and by the time I got about 3 in, I realized I could never say some of those things to my kids. Even scientifically.
With all this outside influence raining down on my children, I would think that I'd be pretty stressed out and anxious. In actuality, I'm not really worried. I know my girls are getting love and good attention at home. More importantly, I feel like they know what they can talk to us about things without getting a crazy, negative reaction. I try really hard as a parent not to qualify things for them. For example, Maia asked if sexy was a bad word. She said that Evelyn had told her it was. If little girls use it to say that's how they want to look, then we as adults qualify that word as being bad. But, if you just look at the word itself, without context, it just means sexually attractive, which is not a terrible thing. Of course, I didn't say all that to Maia. I just said "No, not really."
Anyway, back to the scene of the crime.
The Evidence:
1. The first thing to note is that it's written in chalk. All the girls were playing with chalk on Saturday, it could be any one of them. But why didn't I see it until yesterday? When I left for work I didn't see Evelyn waiting for the bus like she usually does. Maybe she stayed home from school and then wrote it while we were out running errands. I decided to see if she got off the bus after school. She did.
2. It's also important to see that it's written in lowercase letters. That automatically rules out Ruby. Maia is learning her lowercase letters this year, so it could be her. However, a correctly facing lowercase "b" is not consistent for most kindergarteners... still I won't rule her out just yet.
When I called Aleks immediately after I discovered the graffiti, he asked if I had talked to Maia about it. Maybe she did write it. Good point.
When the girls got home from school, I let them watch TV and just as I get them situated, the doorbell rang. It was Evelyn wanting to know if the girls could play. I told her they were busy and that maybe they could play in a bit. Before she left I asked, "Hey Evelyn, did you write that word in front of our house that's scratched out? Bitch?" She looks at me all wide eyed and shakes her head no. "Glad to hear it" I say and then wave goodbye.
A little bit later I ask the girls if they want to take Isabelle for a walk around the block and that we can ask Evelyn if she wants to come. As we're getting ready to leave, I ask Maia, did you write that word in blue in front of our house? Now, I don't actually say the word like I did to Evelyn, and maybe that's a mistake, showing my bias, but hey, I'm human. At least I haven't accused anyone yet, right?
(Actually I took a break from writing to make pizza dough and after seeing my obvious bias written in black and white, I feel pretty guilty. I said a word to another child that I wouldn't say to my own child. I would like to emphasize that the tone in which I questioned Evelyn was very friendly. I could have been asking if she had taken the bus home. But still. Obviously I'm still growing as a human too.)
Maia scooters down to the word to check it out and says no, it was Evelyn. I ask how she knows that and Maia says she knows Evelyn's handwriting. That it was either Evelyn or Ruby because the "writing is kind of crazy."
The four of us, plus Isabelle, head around the block. Pretty soon Hannah joins us. Since I've got all suspected parties with me, I can't help but take advantage of this opportunity.
"Hannah, did you write the letters on our driveway?" She looks puzzled for a minute and then says "oh, no that was Evelyn."
I look at Evelyn and she immediately says "no I didn't!" I said, "I'm going to need to talk to one of your parents."
Evelyn and Hannah ride their scooter and bike back to Evelyn's house as quickly as they can. They ride into the garage, all but run into the house, and close the garage door.
The Verdict:
It's obvious to me that Evelyn did it.
The Sentence:
From the moment I saw the word bitch written on my driveway and suspected Evelyn, I had been trying to figure out how I was going to handle it.
What was obvious to me is that any seven year old who is having a consistent problem with being inappropriate is probably lacking some kind of emotional nurturing.
As a voice teacher, it is my job to figure out how to get people to change. And through my teaching thus far I've learned that nobody likes to be yelled at or shamed. Feeling humiliated or chastised rarely leads to change.
Honestly, I don't really care if Evelyn has a potty mouth. Swearing is fun. I enjoy it. It adds spice and punctuation to a thought. However, I'm 33, not 7. And I don't swear in front of kids. Maia and Ruby love Evelyn. There are some boundaries that need to be established.
I put the girls in front of the TV again and told them I was going to check the mail.
I crossed the street with my heart pounding and knocked on Evelyn's door. Her dad was sitting on the couch in a darkened living room watching tv while her twin sisters, who are Ruby's age, were playing together. I asked if I could speak to Evelyn and Hannah. Almost immediately the girls appeared and came out onto the porch. They started to close the door, but I kept it open with my hand.
I started by telling the girls that Maia and Ruby really liked them and that I did too. That my girls love playing with them. I said that my girls are much younger than they are. Ruby is just as old as Evelyn's twin sisters and Maia is just 5 years old. I said that it had started becoming apparent that Maia was learning things that were not appropriate for her age, like how to flip someone off. I said that I really wanted to to be able to trust that when the girls all played together that appropriate and kind words were being used. Could they please be sure that this happened? I reiterated that I thought they were good kids and that I hoped they could all play in a way that was appropriate.
At some point during my speech, Evelyn's dad had come to the door. As I was leaving I overheard him say, "Isn't this what we've been talking about?!" I left feeling really sad and empty. So many gray areas.
Thankfully, Maia and Ruby are blissfully unaware of any conflict or sense of discontent. It would be so easy to snatch my kiddos back under my wing and keep them away from all the swear words and people who are hurting and potential danger. But, in the long run, what a disservice that would be to my children. How I hope instead to teach them compassion and love and forgiveness.
There's been lots of talk in our house about being kind and loving. Maia told me the other day she loves, but doesn't like Tyler. She also told me she loves everyone in the world. Ruby told me she loves me the most.
Life is complicated. People are complicated. It's those complications that make life interesting.
And let's all just try to do our best.
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