Last days

The Stenfeld-Dunn family is officially on summer vacation! Well, I'm half way there. I'll be working until July and then I have a glorious month off with no responsibilities.

For the first time in 8 years, Aleks isn't teaching a summer course and we're all looking forward to a slower pace. There have already been lots of trips to the gym, composing, and reading already happening.

My first born finished her year off strong, getting the most AR points in her class. Which means that she read a lot of books and answered a lot of questions correctly about those books. Apparently, she's also doing math at a third grade level, which shows an immense amount of improvement as she started off the year considerably lacking in math skills.

Along with improving her reading and math skills, Maia also took great strides in demonstrating perseverance and discipline. And, if I'm being honest, I care more about those character qualities than AR points.

Mrs. Camacho decided to retire this year after a long teaching career. I'm sure some of Maia's classmates helped make that decision.

We emptied out Maia's backpack and found all of this. Someone somewhere has really instilled in her the importance of reusing broken materials. 

The end of school always catches me off guard with its finality. Those last weeks of school we're pushing to get it all done, deep in the routine of the year and then, wham! it's all over. It's such a defined, tangible event that points out the growth my kids have experienced. Which is wonderful, but also involves a sense of loss.

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Ruby has had a wonderful year. I've seen exponential growth in her ability to control impulses and in emotional maturity. She's always been a very determined child and this year Ruby was able to channel some of that focus into school work. She particularly enjoyed completing work job cards and would proudly tell me about her progress each day.

It was especially difficult this year to say goodbye to Ruby's teacher. This woman is an angel on earth. She is a huge cheerleader for all the kids in her class, celebrating who they are and the accomplishments they experience. Her humor, patience, and wisdom have helped Ruby, and all her classmates, thrive. Teachers like Mrs. Burcham are the ones for whom monuments should be built.

About half of the kids in Ruby's class are staying at Collegiate for kindergarten and the other half are moving to other schools in the area. It's sad to see this group going different ways after being together for the last two years. They are especially bright and fun.

For me, one of the special things about Collegiate are the hallways, where the moms and dads wait to drop off or pick up. It's there that we share parenting joys and struggles, support each other through devastating circumstances, laugh about funny incidents, become friends. I'll miss these women and the privilege of checking in with them each day.

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I also experienced a last day at WSU. The semester has been over for a few weeks, but I've been slowly emptying my office having been asked to be out by the end of May.

Out of the 3 different offices I've had at WSU this one, by far, was the best. The gigantic piano was hard to control at times, but by the end of this year we had begun to get along. In the future I'm excited to visit the school as a guest, free of the baggage that had begun to weigh me down.

The last day of anything always means its the first day of something else. Here we go!

Piano Recital

On Saturday Maia participated in her first piano recital! Well, technically, her first recital in a studio other than mine. She played three songs, two of which were from memory. We kind of relaxed a bit on the practicing until three days before the recital when, in a panic, I realized that it was only a few short days away.

Sometimes I get so fixated on details that I forget about the big picture. There were a couple of pauses and restarts during Maia's practicing and I was resigned to the idea that it wasn't going to be a stellar musical performance.

But, girlfriend pulled it off! I was impressed with her professionalism and musicality. She skipped an entire intro to one song and repeated a section 3 times instead of 2, but no one had a clue. She didn't miss a beat and had the cutest little smirk on her face. You can't teach those kind of skills.

(When I talked with her about it afterward, she insisted that she had played it correctly until I showed her the video. So maybe that's the trick: when you don't know you're wrong, it doesn't get in the way of a solid performance!)

I certainly would not wish a performing career on either of my kiddos and am far from expecting either of them to be piano prodigies. I'm just happy that Maia and Ruby are exercising their brains in this way and hopefully gaining confidence as young women by accomplishing the goals set before them.

I think they're just in it for the ice cream.

Weekend tidbits

Maia came home for the weekend and said “Monday’s agenda: Are Will and Isabella In Love?”

Between dance recitals, church, and showers, the weekend was spent practicing backbends, round-offs, and handstands in preparation for the impending spy operation.

Here are the facts so far:

1. Will and Isabella talk a lot

2. Will and Isabella walk around together

3. Will and Isabella sit on the buddy bench at recess and talk

4. Will and Isabella laugh at the same time

Number four, in particular, makes me smile. Maia thinks they are talking about romance things. I wanted to know how a first grader defines romance, but all Maia said was, “you know, love romance.”

“Are you in love with anyone? “ I inquired.

“Yes, Ethan. But we’re lucky, people just think we’re best friends, but we’re really in love.” And then she kissed her index finger and placed it on my lips.

"You haven’t done that to Ethan have you?"

A slow smile…”Not yet!”

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This weekend the girls were in their first dance recital. There were two dress rehearsals and four shows. It’s a lot for any little girl to handle, but especially challenging for my early-to-bed kiddos who finally crawled into bed at 9:30 Friday and Saturday. I must say how proud I am of the way they have handled it all. Ruby especially rose to the occasion and showed me how mature she's becoming by throwing ZERO tantrums.

For the two and a half minutes your kid is onstage, time stops and your heart swells so much that it pushes a little water out your eyes as you see those tangible parts of your heart dressed in the sweetest tutus with hair and makeup looking poised, confident, and oh so beautiful. It's one of those cliche mothering moments that you hear about, but comes as a complete surprise when it happens to you.

Listen, I'm going to be real honest right now. The other hour and eighteen minutes your kids aren't on the stage? Those are pretty brutal. But all those kids are someone else's heart and soul and that has to be honored, so you sit there and clap enthusiastically after each number even though the chairs are uncomfortable and you can't really see the stage anyway because of the head attached to the person sitting in front of you.

For the kids, the main event isn't really being on stage, but all the waiting that happens in the dressing room. There are non-school friends to talk with, iPad games to play, movies to watch, and rainbow looming to do.

One other special thing I got to experience this weekend was giving my girls flowers for the first time. I had no idea how much they would love getting a rose. I should have given one to my husband who split all the dance recital weekend duties with me 50/50. If I can just teach him how to do buns and eyeshadow, I'll let him take over!

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This weekend was so busy for us all that it was all I could do to get from event to the next, making sure that I had all my music/earrings/gown/programs/etc with me. In retrospect, I'm glad to have been preoccupied with details as this weekend marked the last recital with my WSU students and performances with WSU colleagues.

I have lots of feelings about ending this part of my life right now and I'm not sure I've got the energy or perspective to write about them just yet.

I will say that I've been at peace ever since deciding to leave. And, especially this weekend, I have been overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for the people whom I've come to know and love because of this job. My students are so uniquely special and wonderful. They have taught me and helped me to become a better person. I will miss that aspect of the work. I also have some really kind, generous colleagues. It's been a privilege to work and make music with many of them.

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I just tore down April from the wall calendar and filled in May. The boxes become less and less full as the month progresses. The next season is on its way.

Spring in DC

I'm still flying high after my weekend in Washington DC. That city is magic.

It didn't hurt that the weather was perfect.

I loved the bustle of everyone in suits, the architecture, the history, the food, the people. It reminded me that I'm meant to be in a city. The energy is vibrant and exciting. 

For so long I've felt suffocated and I didn't even realize it until this weekend. This trip has rejuvenated me. Shoot, I actually enjoyed talking and hanging out with people.

The most amazing thing of my time in DC was a coincidental encounter with my second cousin! It was the best way to start off the trip. Not only did I have a resident of DC to tell me how to get around and all the cool things to do, but I got to know Emily better and really enjoyed our immediate familial connection. Matteson genes are strong!

My hotel was definitely rustic and historical. Friday morning, I was woken up at 5 am (4 am Wichita time) by a chirping smoke detector outside my hotel room. I couldn't figure out how to turn on the bathroom light, so I hopped on a bike and met my student at Founding Farmers for breakfast. It was so great to hear about his experience during the week and share in the excitement of it all. After breakfast we walked back to the Kennedy Center, where we went up to the terrace to look over the city before his day started.

On my own again, I walked along the Potomac River where Obama's helicopter flew by (actually, I don't know that for sure, but I like to think it was him) and ended up at the Lincoln Memorial.

In the afternoon I followed the advice of my cousin and head to the Renwick Gallery. It turned out to be a highlight of my short visit. There are 8 rooms, each of which contains an installation by different artists. I've never seen so many smiles in an art gallery before.

The walls of this room were covered with insect taxidermy.

I spent some time sitting in front of the White House, people watching and enjoying the sunshine. And then I got hit on by a DC cop on a motorcycle. He gave me his card and told me to let him know the next time I was in town and he'd take me to the top of the Washington Monument. I immediately called Aleks to giggle about it. The thing is, for so many months I've been made to feel worthless and invisible. It was nice to be noticed.

Before my evening engagement, I had dinner with some friends from CT at the Fainting Goat. If you're in DC, you should definitely give this restaurant a try. I loved looking at these row houses as I walked around the city.

That night my student participated in the national Kennedy Center for Arts Theater Festival as a regional winner from Region 5.  He sang powerfully and was charismatic. I was probably more nervous than he was, but so proud. He represented all those who have invested in him so wonderfully.

This face is going places!

In light of the major changes in my life and my birthday, the timing for this trip could not have been more perfect. I left DC, completely exhausted, but also rejuvenated and lit from the inside. I'll be honest, on Sunday as I was preparing for the week ahead, a moment of panic washed over me as I realized life is going to look much different for me very soon. However, I feel alive again. I'm coming back to myself and Goodness, in whatever form it takes, is on its way.

Rebirth

I did a couple of things this past year that were firsts for me.
One was getting fitted for a bra. Ladies, this is life changing. Do it.
Another was going to a therapist. Apparently everyone is doing it already and I'm just late to join the party. I'm not sure I found "the one," but it was helpful. And resulted in the third thing.
I quit a job because I was unhappy.

For the past year I've been struggling. I've been fatigued and unhappy because of work. It's affected my personal life and I've cried more this past year than I have in a long time.

Today looking back, I can see that last semester I was looking to my students for a reason to stay. I love my students. Even when they disappoint me I still find them to be interesting and talented and funny and inspiring. But it's not always enough.

The whole thing is complex and messy, involving for starters; being an adjunct, living in Kansas, and my particular line of work. All of which I'm still sorting through and analyzing and not ready to put into writing just yet. What I am willing to name as another contributing factor is the horrifically low pay. If I was being fairly compensated for the work I do, I may have been able to stick around a bit longer. At least it would have helped me to temporarily feel valued.

This semester, several factors, including the entire cluster*ck that is Kansas, have made it very clear that there is no full time potential for me at this current job. It has also become clear that I am no longer willing to continue with the way things are.

It has been an agonizing decision process. One that has taken months. I've sought advice from many people; another new thing for me. Being a first child and all, I'm used to just figuring things out on my own. However, in this case I wanted to be very sure that I was making a logical, rational decision based on facts, not emotion.

Two things in the past week helped me to make my decision. One was a conversation with my mom in which she said "Emily, you can do anything! You started an opera company!" To which I replied, "Ugh, I don't have energy for that kind of thing." To which she replied, "Exactly."

The lightbulb went off. Why am I drowning in a job that is unfulfilling?

I'd walk through the doors at work, dreading the day ahead, feet dragging and my spirits low. Then I'd start teaching and more often than not, there would be moments throughout the day that would leave me satisfied and energized. I felt so conflicted. If I had found my vocation, shouldn't things be easier? Maybe I'd wasted the past 9 years of my life and should pursue a different career.

When I brought this up with the therapist, he said that life is messy and when we've found what we're supposed to do, it's the work that is easy. But, because life is hard, sometimes the circumstances surrounding the work make things unbearable.

Another lightbulb went off. I can find another way to do what I'm supposed to do.

I finally felt like I had permission to quit. Quitting my job did not mean that I was also giving up all the work I've done and progress I've made as a teacher over the last decade.

All I know is academia. All my husband knows is academia. What I'm starting to see, is that there can be other paths to a successful teaching and performing career outside a university setting. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like yet, but I'm excited to figure it out.

I don't have anything new lined up, which is a little unsettling. But what I do have is a renewed sense of purpose and hope and possibility.

About a month ago I had a dream that my family and I were moving to a new house. We were concerned about the size of the new house and if all of our furniture could fit. From the outside the new house seemed small and unsuitable. As we walked through each room, I felt cozy, but a bit cramped. However, we kept turning corners and walking through doorways and came upon room after room. While many of them were small, they had character and good bones. Some of them were falling apart and needed work, but it quickly became clear that it could be made into our dream house. I found myself becoming excited at the prospect that I could make this house look exactly the way I wanted and was eager to get to work.

The next morning the dream came back to me in a flash as I made coffee. The house in my dream was my career. The possibility of creating something to look exactly as I want it overshadowed the uncertainty of the unknown.

By the end of this last week, I had told all the people who will be directly affected by my quitting. Telling my beloved students was just as terrible as I had anticipated. Thankfully they are all gracious, loving people who just want me to be happy. 

The next day, the first day of my 35th year, I woke up feeling hopeful and happy and light for the first time in a long time.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I'm in a place to say yes to whatever might come my way.

My girl Maia is 7

Today my girl is seven. 

My firstborn.

She entered the world, a bundle of personality beneath a full head of dark hair. 

At eight months she finally decided to sleep through the night. At which point we found ourselves pregnant with her sister...

She has always been busy. Flitting from one thing to the next, chattering and singing on loop.

Maia's sense of style is a trademark. 

Who says cheetah print and florals don't go together? 

When she has her own house, it's going to colorful!

At four, her world opened up as she started preschool. New friends, adults, experiences have all fueled her never ending curiosity.

And while Maia loves to laugh and have a good time, she is also incredible considerate. She is quick to ask after a sick friend or remember important things about those she meets.

I cannot wait to see this picture on the jacket of her first book...

about fashion?

music?

political climate?

social injustice?

My girl Maia is such a gift.

She makes my life shiny and bright and I'm so lucky to be a part of her world.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Seven is going to be magical.

International Day of Happiness

According to a snapchat filter, today is the International Day of Happiness. Lord knows I've been working hard to be happy here in Wichita. I'm going to be honest, choosing to be happy here is a constant struggle. However, for better or worse, I'm a stubborn lady and I'm not ready to give up just yet.

So, in no particular order, here are some things that are making me happy today:

1. Spring break. We are just coming off a week of spring break and it has been a much needed respite for the entire family. We spent a night in Kansas City at Great Wolf Lodge and went to the American Girl Doll Store.

The rest of the week was spent reading, playing, cooking, and not feeling the need to be anywhere. It was just the break we needed to finish out this school year focused and motivated.

2. My girl Ruby. So often I look at this little girl in amazement. She looks just like her dad, but inside we are one and the same. Our hearts are connected in a way that is unlike any other relationship I've experienced. She pushes me and frustrates me in ways I never thought imaginable. And yet, she has such a tender heart and an ability for emotional empathy far beyond her age.

3. My girl Maia. This kid looks so much like me, but her spirit is a reflection of her dad. She rarely has a bad day, quick to smile and always ready for fun. She has a tender heart and is often concerned with how others are doing. She is very considerate and silly. I'll never tire of seeing those slightly crooked adult front teeth flash with each big grin. There is so much I can learn from her approach to life.

4. My dear sweet husband. I really like him, which is something I do not say lightly. We'll be married 13 years in September. Unequivocally, my life is better because we're together. It's such a paradox that our bond to each other is at the same time stronger and more resilient to outside forces, yet complex and fragile as we both continue to evolve as individuals.


5. Especially during these past few months, I have been aware of the loving, thoughtful friends that have come into my life. Their authenticity, humor, and friendship make me happy.


6. Coffee. Aleks got me this and this for Christmas. Every morning I experience profound joy as I perform my morning ritual.


7. My students. This year, especially, I have a really special group of high schoolers and young adults with whom I get to work. They are interesting, invested, talented, and funny.


It's fitting that the International Day of Happiness falls on the first day of Spring. Nothing speaks to happiness like new growth. Spring, with the new life that pushes through soil and from the dead ends of branches resonates with me in the same way that a belly laugh can; taking my focus into the future and all the possibility it holds.