Reminders

In this season of life, I've been reminded of some life mottos that I found to be true throughout my college education. When I had babies my mind was consumed with feedings and crying and sleeping. My kids are now older. In some ways their need for me is less intense and I'm sleeping more regularly.

As a result I have more time to think and feel things that had been forgotten in my sleep deprivation.

You will catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Every year I walk on this earth, it becomes more and more apparent that kindness should be a first response to everything. Especially if something doesn't go the way I want or need. If I can avoid being reactive it is better for everyone involved, especially myself.

Perspective.

When life gets really busy and stress levels rise, I find myself feeling untethered. The smallest inconvenience or unexpected occurrence can throw me into an emotional tailspin causing me to second guess all conversations and read into the smallest of non-verbal cues. The one thing that grounds me is perspective. Nothing lasts forever. I have a family that loves me. I can feed my children. We are clothed in clean clothes. I can buy gas for my car. I like my husband. When I remember these things, whatever I've been worrying about becomes trivial.

Eat Well and Get Enough Sleep.

This is the first thing I tell my students when the stress of the semester becomes overwhelming. I encourage them to start their days with protein, drink lots of water, and be sure to get enough sleep. Sometimes deadlines and rehearsals and sickness get in the way of this, but it's important to know when you can say no and get to bed earlier than usual. It's amazing how an outlook can change after a goodnight's rest. I fiercely protect my sleep.

Yes. And.

This is the hardest one to remember. We live in a culture that doesn't often promote inclusivity. Just because someone is talented, doesn't exclude the rest of society from being talented as well. Whenever I begin to feel competitive (as I often do) I have to remember, "Yes. And." Because, really that competitiveness comes from insecurity. "Yes. And" works in a creative sense as well. On the stage or confronted with a problem, "Yes. And." keeps my mind and heart open. When I allow my thinking to become limitless, it produces the greatest benefits.

These have become my mantra this semester as I'm slowly losing my mind. Did you hear that I sent Maia to school with crazy hair? On twin day?

Thankfully I've got this amazing picture to make me smile. I hope you're not tired of seeing it.

Grateful

Earlier this week Ruby was completely exhausted and as a result turned into a belligerent terror. Rather than succumbing to a nap she decided to fight it with her whole being, thrashing her tiny body all over the bed while screaming and yelling. It looked so absolutely ridiculous, that I began to giggle. She looked at me and started to get offended, but on the scale of outrage expression, there was nowhere for her to escalate. Instead, as if a switch was flipped, she stopped screaming, scooted close to me and settled in for a nap.

As we lay there on her bed, in a quiet house, I could hear snow dripping from the roof softly and steadily. The sun was streaming though the windows creating a patch of warmth on the floor. Both Ruby and I were restored in that moment.

I've always wanted to be a mom. At an early age I felt my destiny would be fulfilled when I had children of my own. Just barely an adult, I got married three months after college graduation. Had it not been for my level headed husband, I would have started popping out kids in the middle of grad school. Instead, we waited 5 years until we had 2 masters, a doctorate, and an artist diploma between us.

While I unfailingly felt certain about my personal and familial path, there has always been fuzziness surrounding my career. I haven't ever experienced an audition season: flying to a major US city to sing for opera companies, young artist programs, and summer institutes. I didn't get a doctorate, which keeps me from being eligible to apply for 90% of tenure track university jobs. 

So, here I am (living in Kansas!) with 3 degrees in music, a husband (his career is taking off by the way), 2 children (whom I adore), and a fledgling career whose path I'm making up along the way.

On bad days, I am full of despair. There seems to be no advancement, unless I'm willing to spend the money and time to audition and/or go back to school for my doctorate. While these are a possibility, I'm not sure I want to ask my family to make the sacrifices those actions would require.

On good days I feel as if I have the best of both worlds. I occasionally get paid to sing, I teach dedicated, serious music students at a university with world renowned opera singers as colleagues, I volunteer at my kids' schools, and I even sometimes have a chance to sew or read or paint the walls in my house. 

The older I get, the easier it is to appreciate what I have, rather than feel bad about what I haven't accomplished.

Moments of stillness and quietude are few and far between this spring. My work load has increased significantly as I am stepping in to sing in WSU's production of Cold Sassy Tree. The role I'm singing is quite large and the score is extremely difficult. It would be so easy for me to feel constantly overwhelmed. There is no room in my life for things like a broken washing machine and unexpected doctor's appointments, much less tantrums over how a pair of socks "doesn't feel right."

But the thing that makes life difficult right now (all the rehearsals and time spent learning this *almost* impossible score) is such a luxury. It's been a long time since I've been able to allow myself this much time to work consistently on a project. And further, I don't have to be in charge!

I'm getting to be a student again, but with better vocal technique, more wisdom, and some life experience behind me. 

I have lots to say about learning a contemporary score and about growing as a performer and actor as a faculty member among students and how my family has been impacted by all this, but maybe I'll talk about those things in another post.

Mostly, I just want to say what an overwhelming sense of gratitude I have felt in the past few weeks. It has turned out that this role fits my voice like a glove. I'm very grateful about this, since I never truly know how a role will feel until I've sung it for a while. The students are kind and generous with me and so much fun. How thankful I am to be surrounded by interesting young people in my work environment. My mother in law is able to be here for two months to help take care of the kids and pick up the slack caused by my added work load. There will never be enough words to express what a gift that is to us.

I've always tried to hold things with an open hand, but this one is hard. I want to close my fist and hold on tightly. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to sing a role like this again and that knowledge makes this experience all the more sweet.

I'm sure as we get closer to curtain (April 9-12) I'll be posting lots of pictures on Instagram and updates on Facebook. Feel free to follow along with me if you're interested! In the meantime, if you're local and want to hear me sing something a little more melodious, I'll be singing as the guest vocalist with The Priests as their tour takes them through Wichita. (click here for a link to buy tickets.)

*In case you were wondering, our washing machine got fixed after a week of being out of commission. We were all on our last pairs of underwear. I finally went in to immediate care to get some antibiotics because I was too busy to see my doctor during regular office hours. Ruby got some new socks (see first sentence about the broken washing machine) and has ceased complaining about how they feel. Life is good. Complicated, but good.

Sickness and singing

Day 1: Out of no where there's a sore spot in the back of my throat. I notice it while I'm teaching. No no no no no no no. I can't be getting sick. I begin Neti pot usage, but I think I'm too late.

Day 2: Lymph nodes are swollen. I feel feverish during my church gig.

Day 3: Congested. I skip my swim workout today. I figure rest will do me more good than exercise. First day of opera rehearsal (of course) but I can sing. All the stuff is in my sinuses and doesn't affect my voice.

Day 4: Still pretty congested and my energy is down. The stuff must be as thick and dense as cement, because it's not coming out when I blow my nose. I can feel it growing and becoming more powerful by the hour. It's hiding up in my sinuses where the Neti pot can't reach it. It's a smart little bugger. However, I can still sing, so I'm feeling like all is not lost.

Day 5: More of the same. However, I'm able to blow out some seriously dark green, thick snot. I have the day off rehearsal, which I'm hoping will help speed the healing process.

Day 6: I'm feeling a bit better in the morning so I go to swim, which effectively clears out my sinuses. I'm feeling good at home and sit down to practice. Throughout the hour I can feel the mucus descending into my throat. F*ck.

Day 7: I have very little voice in the morning and still lots of congestion. This is the first time I've ever been sick while having singing commitments. I'm not really sure what to do. If I had a student who sounded like me, I'd tell them not to sing. But. I'm pretty sure my chords aren't swollen, that it's just the gunk on the chords that's causing the problem. Also, I can't afford to take a day off from rehearsal, this score is really difficult. On the other hand, I can't afford to damage my voice either. I decide to sing through the 2 hour rehearsal. It's not pretty, but I figure I have the weekend to recouperate.

Day 8: Still sick. Still no voice. It's too bad I have to teach today, otherwise I could stop talking altogether. I feel like I'm never going to get well. My gut tells me I just need to be patient, but I'm having a hard time. Aleks assures me that I will most likely NOT die from a cold.

Day 9: My voice is the worst it has been. Husky and inconsistent. At times I can't phonate. I sound like a dying goose in the morning. By evening things are starting to move around. I've blown out more snot than I knew I could produce. I'm coughing a lot more as well. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sing tomorrow, it could go either way. I make myself rest and it's the best decision I've made so far.

Day 10: In the morning I don't notice a whole lot of change. There's still lots of gunk in my throat and I'm blowing out tons of green stuff. It does seem to have thinned considerably. And it's lighter in color. Miraculously my voice seems to be coming back. There is a hint of the instrument I have, even though it is temperamental and husky. I sing in rehearsal. At this point I'm not sure if that's the right decision. I still don't think my cords are swollen, but I'd hate to exacerbate the situation.

Day 11: I put myself on vocal rest and only talk minimally during my 4 hours of teaching. (FYI, it's really really difficult to teach voice lessons when you can't really talk.) Rehearsal isn't great, but I can hear my voice coming back and it's clearer than last night. The most frustrating thing is that this score requires lots of muscle memory. It's hard to find starting pitches and many times I rely on how it feels in my body to know if it's correct. Since I'm sick, it's near impossible to rely on my body.

Day 12: I'm going to say it. I think I'm getting better. I don't have rehearsal today and I only teach for a short while, so my voice will get a break. However, it's definitely clearer and the mucus is starting to lessen. It's the first time I've started to feel hopeful.

Day 13: This morning when I wake up there's hardly any mucus. My throat is mostly clear and I think I'm at the tail end of this bug. Finally. Today we start singing through the opera, but I'm going to have to be careful not to overdo it. I'm sure my cords aren't as strong and supple as they usually are.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be even further down the road to complete health. It's been a long time since I've been sick and especially as a singer, it is so frustrating. Here's hoping my family doesn't catch this bug!

Boredom

My mom and I were once discussing *light* topics such as climate change and the future of our planet. My wise mother commented that the tool our children will need to make this planet a better place is their creativity. The future of this world will depend on our children finding new and inventive ways to solve the problems we have failed to fix. In light of this, and also because of how I was raised, encouraging creativity and independent thinking in my children is one of my top priorities and challenges as a parent.

Creative play is something I fiercely protect. I often feel tempted to provide my kids opportunities for dance classes, piano lessons, and team sports. I want them to experience as much as I can afford to offer. It's hard to quiet the competitive mom voice in my head that tells me they need to start those things NOW! However, for our family, at this time, I've found that we are at our best when we have a minimally scheduled day. Truly, I feel such a sense of peace and gratitude when I've been able to provide a day for my kids that allows them to play hard. The thought of them being in school all day with only a few hours between coming home and bed time makes me anxious.

*I should add, that I have many friends and people I respect whose lives are vastly different from ours. I'm certainly not advocating that our way is the best, it's just best for us at this point.*

I heard a story on NPR the other day in which Manoush Zomorodi is encouraging listeners to unplug from their phones and allow themselves to become bored. In the piece it is mentioned that "studies suggest we get our most original ideas when we stop the constant stimulation and let ourselves get bored."

My kids have unequivocally proved this to be true. After we have allowed the kids some screen time, either on the iPad or TV, they will often come out of that experience grumpy (Ruby), aimless, and argumentative. I'm usually trying to get ready for work at this point and have zero patience for the whining and bickering between the two. However, if I can grit my teeth and wait it out, within 5 minutes they are usually immersed in creative play.

Some of their recently popular games include "Friend" and "Dear". Both games involve role play, sometimes both girls are multiple characters, and from what I can tell, there is a lot of moving toys from one room to the other. Yesterday while they were playing "Friend" they got backpacks and babies and suitcases and went on the airplane (two dining room chairs) to visit grandma and nana. While on the plane there was a lengthy discussion about who was going to ride in which car when they landed and if they would ride together.

Just today I was invited to play "Friend" with Ruby as we were waiting for Maia to come home from school. I was Elizabeth and Ruby was Sparkles. The game consisted of a conversation about real life things (like Ruby going to Cottonwood as a kindergartener), but as Elizabeth and Sparkles.

"Dear" involves "dear" (a kid) and "mom." There is a lot of "dear, we need to get our babies" and "dear, let's get ready for bed." At first this game confused me because there are a lot of "mom"s involved, but they aren't directed at me. I now know that when they say "mom" they're playing and if they're talking to me, I'm "mommy."

They transition so seamlessly between characters and real life and play, it's staggering.

I wonder how long this intense play will last. I hope they never lose their freedom and imagination. I'm sure it will manifest itself in different ways as they grow older. I think for myself, somewhere among the responsibilities and chores and career, time spent for dreaming and thinking and play has been lost. So I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Zomorodi and the way I parent my children. I'd like carve out and allot some time for boredom, which will hopefully enrich and inspire my writing and sense of play on stage.

Where has January gone?

I usually gauge the busyness of my life and general stress by how many days in a row I have to put on makeup.

I think we're going on 8 or 9 days straight of required makeup application. It's not really that I hate putting on makeup or the way it feels, but I loathe washing my face at night. It just doesn't seem fair.

We'll be getting ready for bed and Aleks will be under the covers, teeth brushed, in pajamas and reading a book. Meanwhile, I'm still standing over the sink waiting for the water to heat up so I can scrub the day off my face. And then I get really feminist and think "See?! A woman's work is never done. There's the man already unwinding from his day while I have to wash off the enhancements which were mandated by a patriarchal society meant to exploit my beauty not my brains." Then I climb into bed all huffy and wound up.

Maybe one day I'll just stop wearing makeup all together. A friend of mine had a good point: people will think I'm really tired for a week and then get over it.

Anyway, I digress.

This weekend I went to Arizona to give some masterclasses at a music academy where my mom works. Since I was already there we threw in two Sunday services and a performance at a high school as well. It was a busy weekend full of music and sun and family.

Look at these sweet girls. So talented and full of curiosity and promise.

Morning service

Evening service

My sister-in-law and niece and nephew. I couldn't get enough of them. If I didn't have kids, I'd say they are the cutest, most interesting children I know.

This was just after I dropped my phone on the tile floor. Apparently it was really funny.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to finish up the edit map for the recording session I had at the beginning of the month. You'd think it would get easier.

Instead, the more I listen, the more I think I sound like an older, heavier version of Florence Foster Jenkins. Never heard of her? Go ahead and give it a google. I'll wait.

You're back? Aleks doesn't seem to share my opinion. He thinks I sound good. I'll probably never be totally happy with it, but I'm reserving final judgement until I hear an edited track with reverb added. Once I have a final product, I plan on sharing with you all my dreams for this recording. If I make it through the edit map, that is.

And through all of this, I've been learning the score of Cold Sassy Tree, an opera by Carlisle Floyd. I'm singing the role of Love Simpson in April and have really fallen in love with the character and her music. However, it's tricky and looks like this:

E flats and D sharps in the same measure make for slow going. But it's coming and is memorizing itself which is nice.

In other news, Maia has lost her first top tooth and I'm in love with her new smile.

And today was Pioneer Day at Ruby's school. Yee Haw!

Also, if you haven't been following this story coming from Humans of New York, do so. It will warm your heart right up and restore your faith in humanity.

Future singer-songwriters of America

The new microphones have been providing us with some wonderful entertainment.

I'll call this one "I Love My Family"

I always wish for a family with my self

It's like I'm a little self because this spotlight glows

But I love my family,

I love my family because they're my god.

I love my family

I love my family

They are my, I have their love inside my heart

Because I have their hearts inside my heart

But this is just part of the song

Their hearts are in their chest

Because I love my family

Because I haven't...

Because I've never been bad

It's always been true

I always get presents

T-whit, t-whoo

Because it's my life

I know how to fart

I know it's love

(????)

And (snove????)

Ruby is more into reinterpretation than composition.

Cause you know I'm all aba ba bass, ba ba bass, no trouble

I'm all aba ba bass, ba ba bass, no trouble

You know my mama she told me don't worry about your size

Cause boys like a little kombooty to hold at night

Cause that's what you're into go head and move along.

Anyone know what a kombooty is???

Christmas/New Year's Photo Dump

Good thing my New Year resolution wasn't to blog more. Sheesh.

Christmas and the week following were busy and full of fun and lots and lots of play. My girls have played so hard these past two weeks. They are now back to school and happy to go, but break was pretty wonderful for all of us.

Here are some highlights from our holiday.

It doesn't get much better than a kindergarten/mug shot Christmas ornament. She's now serving 5-10 for eating too many Christmas cookies.

Our church had a sweet little Christmas Eve family service. The girls were so pretty in their Christmas dresses and could barely contain themselves on the drive home due to excitement over all the twinkly lights on houses we passed.

Right before bed on Christmas Eve.
Sugar and spice.

We had Kringle on the eve of Christmas Eve, so for Christmas morning I made cinnamon rolls. With chocolate chips of course.

A new puppet stage with puppets was a huge hit.

As were the "real" microphones. 

Aleks and I didn't really think that one through.

And apparently my kids were good this year because Santa brought them what they asked for. A seascope for Maia and a mermaid tail for Ruby.

For New Year's Eve my parents were here and Aleks and I made beef wellington for the first time.

We definitely started off 2015 with full stomachs. And stayed awake until 11:00! Maybe next year we'll even make it to midnight.

So far the new year has been cold. However, we've been keeping warm and busy as we gear up for the next semester. There are some exciting things happening, which I'll share in the near future. (No babies.)

In the meantime, stay warm and cuddle up with the ones you love.